My issue with "How He Loves"...

I have an issue with How He Love…….Yeah, I just said that.

I can already hear the pitchforks being sharpened by people reading this.

But, hang on till the end, it doesn’t mean exactly what you think it does.

I am sure that a lot of people know the back story of why the song was written, and if you don’t, check it out HERE. But.. here is a short excerpt from the video….

 “The love I’m singing about in that song is not a pretty, clean… its not a Hollywood, hot pink love. It’s the kind of love that’s willing to love things that are messy, and willing to love even the difficult and sort of, kind of, gross things. That’s really the kind of song I wanted to write, through a frustrating period. In my anger and resentment and my frustration that [God] could still love me through that. In this process of my buddy dying, He could love me through that. He was ok, He wasn’t offended that I was angry at Him. This song isn’t a celebration of weakness or anger, it’s the celebration of a God who would want to hang with us through those things, and be a part of our lives through those things. And despite who we are, He would want to be a part of us, and a part of our community, and a part of our family”

So... here’s the thing, If you have ever been around me when “How He Loves” is played, things get a little weird. I get a little teary (ok, sometimes a lot), I get quiet, and it’s basically just awkward all around. Mostly because no one is used to seeing me get emotional in public, that’s just not my way.

So why the issue?

Well I don’t know if you have ever experienced loss before, but if you have, this song may paralyze you in the same way. You may understand this broken, ugly, gross kind of love JMM was writing about. 

In 2014, something awful happened. I experienced loss in a way I never thought I would have to ever work through. Now, this isn’t my place or time to air that out, if you want to know what happened, feel free to ask me in person, it’s just not something I want to put on the internet. That said, it was not pretty. I remember a long drive home, after the longest day of my life, crying and wondering what exactly God had planned to make life ok again. I wasn’t sure how to worship a God that allowed such pain to overcome the people He says he loves, it just didn’t make sense. By a series of events (again, a story to ask me personally) this song came into my life during this time. But I wasn’t celebrating, I was worshiping God in the midst of complete brokenness. I was worshiping God in the midst of anger and confusion.

My problem with tragedy is this: 

I want to get over it, and I want to forget it.

That was exactly my plan, after day of crying, and a couple weeks of adjusting, I left town. I left for a 2 month mission trip where I was going to leave the past behind and focus on what God was doing in the present.

There was one problem, this song still existed.

At first, I would quickly turn it off, because the memories were just too painful, and I wanted to move on. Then, I decided, maybe this was God trying to work in me. That sneaky God.

So, I began to let it play. It played during worship, and I unabashedly cried in public and in front of my students (ew, what the heck). I realized that this song was going to be Gods way of not letting me forget. He wanted me to remember my brokenness and anger. Ok, I know that doesn’t sound right. But here’s the thing, in remembering the brokenness and anger I felt, I was reminded that I was still here, my pain didn’t take me down, I beat it. While I still bear the scars, my wounds have healed.

This song still hurts when I hear it. 

My stomach still flip flops, and my heart still drops.

 And some days, I still cry. 

But this song is my Ebenezer.