My issue with "How He Loves"...

I have an issue with How He Love…….Yeah, I just said that.

I can already hear the pitchforks being sharpened by people reading this.

But, hang on till the end, it doesn’t mean exactly what you think it does.

I am sure that a lot of people know the back story of why the song was written, and if you don’t, check it out HERE. But.. here is a short excerpt from the video….

 “The love I’m singing about in that song is not a pretty, clean… its not a Hollywood, hot pink love. It’s the kind of love that’s willing to love things that are messy, and willing to love even the difficult and sort of, kind of, gross things. That’s really the kind of song I wanted to write, through a frustrating period. In my anger and resentment and my frustration that [God] could still love me through that. In this process of my buddy dying, He could love me through that. He was ok, He wasn’t offended that I was angry at Him. This song isn’t a celebration of weakness or anger, it’s the celebration of a God who would want to hang with us through those things, and be a part of our lives through those things. And despite who we are, He would want to be a part of us, and a part of our community, and a part of our family”

So... here’s the thing, If you have ever been around me when “How He Loves” is played, things get a little weird. I get a little teary (ok, sometimes a lot), I get quiet, and it’s basically just awkward all around. Mostly because no one is used to seeing me get emotional in public, that’s just not my way.

So why the issue?

Well I don’t know if you have ever experienced loss before, but if you have, this song may paralyze you in the same way. You may understand this broken, ugly, gross kind of love JMM was writing about. 

In 2014, something awful happened. I experienced loss in a way I never thought I would have to ever work through. Now, this isn’t my place or time to air that out, if you want to know what happened, feel free to ask me in person, it’s just not something I want to put on the internet. That said, it was not pretty. I remember a long drive home, after the longest day of my life, crying and wondering what exactly God had planned to make life ok again. I wasn’t sure how to worship a God that allowed such pain to overcome the people He says he loves, it just didn’t make sense. By a series of events (again, a story to ask me personally) this song came into my life during this time. But I wasn’t celebrating, I was worshiping God in the midst of complete brokenness. I was worshiping God in the midst of anger and confusion.

My problem with tragedy is this: 

I want to get over it, and I want to forget it.

That was exactly my plan, after day of crying, and a couple weeks of adjusting, I left town. I left for a 2 month mission trip where I was going to leave the past behind and focus on what God was doing in the present.

There was one problem, this song still existed.

At first, I would quickly turn it off, because the memories were just too painful, and I wanted to move on. Then, I decided, maybe this was God trying to work in me. That sneaky God.

So, I began to let it play. It played during worship, and I unabashedly cried in public and in front of my students (ew, what the heck). I realized that this song was going to be Gods way of not letting me forget. He wanted me to remember my brokenness and anger. Ok, I know that doesn’t sound right. But here’s the thing, in remembering the brokenness and anger I felt, I was reminded that I was still here, my pain didn’t take me down, I beat it. While I still bear the scars, my wounds have healed.

This song still hurts when I hear it. 

My stomach still flip flops, and my heart still drops.

 And some days, I still cry. 

But this song is my Ebenezer.

It Took 2 Years To Finish This Post...

*Not sure why I never finished this post... but now I am, 2 years later and it is still relevant. 

“I really believe there is so much more power in music than we know. Today, for instance, I am in the middle of a rather big problem and its really shaking me. And the song I can't get out of my head is "one thing remains".

Why does this even matter? Because while I'm sitting here, words ready to fly in attack, the lyrics hits me in the face... On and on and on and on it goes... And it overwhelms and satisfies my soul... And I'll never ever have to be afraid... This one thing remains... In death, in life I'm confident and covered by the power of your great love... My debt is paid there's nothing that can separate my heart from your great love... 

That's some great stuff.  It was enough to shut Kinsey up and let Jesus tell her what words she really meant to say in that moment of anger. And I think those words made the difference. They cleared up some confusion, and while the hurt is still here, and a painful discussion is still needed to fix the problem, I suddenly feel at peace. 

I don't typically focus in on the overwhelming love that is Jesus.. But in the past few weeks that word hasn't left me alone, it's been in every song that has gotten into my brain. And that's a powerful thing, because once I allow that song to get into my brain, it quickly makes it was to my heart and that's where the word "overwhelming" hit me. “

*This was where I ended my writing 2 years ago.... let me pick up here:

I'm not entirely sure what issue I was facing when I typed this 2 long years ago, but I can tell you this… My life was sort of a mess when I wrote this. I had just stopped going to college and was trying to figure out what I should do in the in-between (good news folks, the Lord provided, but alas, that's a post for another day). Funny story... my life usually feels sort of a mess. That’s where I feel I can always find myself sitting... on the fence toeing the line between "I think I've got it together" and "hold up y'all, it’s about to hit the fan". The great thing about teetering on the edge of dysfunction... I can always find rest in the simplicity and complex nature of the overwhelming love that Jesus has for me… a goofy little, 21 year old, tornado of a girl. 2 years later and I still actually remember what song I was singing after I wrote the beginning of this post. It’s called “Overwhelmed” by Ryan Post.

How can I not be moved now that I see You, Oh God?

I am overwhelmed
By everything You are
You take this broken life and shine in like the stars
So let Your waves crash down and overwhelm my soul
You satisfy my life and tell me I am Yours
I am Yours

I mean, how can those lyrics not hit you right in the feels? To know that no matter what situation I find myself in, good or bad, I can still be overwhelmed by the fact that Jesus is constantly telling the Father that I am HIS. Seriously… all the time… “She’s mine, you see that girl? She’s mine. I love her. She’s mine.” Just over and over again Jesus is saying “I got you girl, I love you”. Even in the moments I'm not entirely sure He has me, He is there “That girl, she’s mine”. I can tell you right now, there is one thing that can calm in in the worst of panic or distress, and it is those words. There is nothing more comforting to me than knowing that no matter where I am, Jesus has me.

This song has been a part of my story for quite some time, and clearly there is divine reason, to remind me to never lose the feeling of being overwhelmed in the love God shows for me every day. If you want, check it out HERE


What about you? What is something that eases your soul in a time of distress? Is there a song you listen to over and over again (like me), a piece of scripture you cling to, or something else? Share it with me : )

Hello, I'm new here.

I rarely come to this blog, but when I do, it’s because something crazy is happening to my life, and I need to let it out on paper and be known.

Since I am all about honesty on this blog.. I have to say this:

When I wrote this goodbye letter on my final night at EASM (My youth group back home) I honestly was convinced I was saying goodbye to youth group for a very long time. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE students (Yes, even the middle schoolers), and I know that God wants me to work with them forever, but being the creature of habit that I am, I was fully convinced I would never find another church or youth group that came close to EAC (my church back home). I grew up there, I accepted Christ there, and if you want to know more about them and how they impact my story, read my letter to them (Click here).

However, this post is about the present, not the past.

I have spent the past year and a half at TFC. I love it here, I love my friends, I love my roommate, I love the freedom moving away from home has given me. I have been stretched and pulled by God in so many areas, and for a girl who struggles with social anxiety in new places, I have really put myself out there. Or so I thought.

Over thanksgiving/Christmas break this year, I got to see “my” students (AKA my youth group). While I LOVED every second of it, there was a certain reality hitting me over and over again: the longer ive been gone, the more they have moved on. There are other people filling in where I used to work, the intern duties have been handed off to others, and (possibly worst of all) apparently people CAN get chickfila on Wednesday nights without me (seriously… what the heck). And while some of these truth stung my pride a little, nothing hurt more than hearing my youth pastor was leaving the church to go where God was leading him and his family. This was the final brick to the wall closing off my childhood. For some reason, I felt like it was finally time to move on from EAC. After these two trips back home, I had closure and I felt at peace with here I was heading. I returned back to campus with the full intent of (finally) embracing a new church.

To my church family back home reading this- I STILL LOVE AND MISS YOU SO MUCH. I have come to realize that it’s true, I will never find another church like EAC, or another youth group like EASM, yall goofs are one of a kind.

That being said: something big has happened in my life and I really want you to know about it…. I have become a member at new church (gasp, shock, gasp some more). And more than that… I have become a leader at a new youth group (ok… that one actually shocked me). And it turns out… I love it… mostly. It’s crazy to see where God will bring you when you finally release control. Within 2 weeks I found myself sitting in a membership class for a church I’ve been attending the past year and a half, and I found myself filling out a youth leader application. I will be honest in saying I DID NOT do this completely willingly. I dragged my heels, I told God I really didn’t want to, in fact, I was in my car about to ditch the membership class, when i heard Him telling me "I love you, girl. Now get your butt inside and stop ignoring what I am telling you to do". Thankfully, this stubborn girl listened for once and forced myself to stay. The same thing happened with joining the youth group, I almost didn’t. The walk from the sanctuary to the table where the youth pastor was sitting was THE longest walk in history. My heart was racing and I seriously almost walked right out of the door (ok, i kind of did... but then i turned back around), I HATE being the new kid I repeated to myself over and over, dragging my feet. Thankfully, again, my pride lost and I nervously talked about wanting to check out the youth group. That conversation lead me to a leader meeting that night, sitting around a table with a group of leaders I didn’t know. This was a first. I can honestly say, once again, I almost didn’t go (have I mentioned I am terrified of meeting new people?). I was very clearly the new kid on the block (90’s pun completely intended). Long story short, God once again tackled my pride and it turns out….. I really really like the leaders at my new youth group… like a lot. They are kind, welcoming, and excited about students. And to all my new friends at Foothills/Live.... You now know a little big of my embarrassing back story of how I got to you. Yes, underneath my "calm cool and collected" exterior.... Is an scared noob. :)

So I suppose this is just one long ramble about how I have been slowly over coming my fears of being new (don’t worry yall, I still make a complete awkward fool out of myself, that hasn’t changed). If you are reading this… will you pray for me? I am getting to know new leaders, new students, new parents, new everything. I had gotten so used to the routine at EASM, I know exactly when and where to be, and what needs to be done. I was a part of running the show, I had the keys, I had the plan, I was left in charge of so many things. That said, I am still trying to find my role within this new youth group, it is quite humbling to go from feeling like I knew everything, to knowing basically nothing or no one. I am (slowly…. And awkwardly) embracing this new chapter in my life.

Here’s to hopefully more life change blog posts in the near future. 

*Do you have any suggestion for my transition? Tell me, comment below! :)