Can I Be Honest......

Its got to be a little bit of a blog-inception going on right now.. the title of my blog.. within the title of a blog.. what?! Ive been thinking about my blog lately- the lack of posting.. the lack of wanting to post.. the lack of wanting to write.. yeah, all of that. So I have been brainstorming where I should go next, because the day to day happenings aren't really blog worthy a ton of the time.. or maybe that's just the way I view it.. maybe a blog post for another day? Anyway, Sitting in my New Testament class this morning I was thinking (Yep, about my blog.. give me credit.. it was 8am.. its hard to study the depth of the sermon on the mount at 8am.. I was barely into my coffee!) So, I got to thinking, I made this blog for a reason, and even more than that, I named it for a specific reason. If you know me, you know music is my passion, its everything to me. And Kj-52 (which if you really know me, is one of the first artists I listened to in a Christian world) has provided me a song to which I live life. "Can I Be Honest" I how found verses and quotes that backs up what this songs means. Honesty is such a rarity in this world of masks.

Here we go, I want to, for the next however long it takes, go through the lyrics of this song, and just honestly let my thoughts out about them. So.. part one.. lets see where this ends up...

What if I spoke with complete honest-ness
What if told you that I've broken some promises
I dealt with pride ever since a little kid
I've comprised and I've doubted like Thomas did
I can't hide though he sees the way I live
Every single time I told every little fib

What if.. what if I, or we, were honest? What if we could just wear our hearts on our sleeves? What if I revealed to my friends and family EVERY SINGLE TIME I failed, lied, stole, judged, envied? What would happen if I told you the sins I battle day in and day out? How would you see me? Would I still be that nice little Christian girl, going to her Christian school, working towards a degree to be in a Christian work place? NO. You wouldn't, I would look a lot like the ugliest people in the world. You probably wouldn't still think of me in that light whatsoever.

But, what if.. what if you could? What if after I finished airing our my dirty laundry, you had the honesty to look back at yourself, with the same laser eyes you were pointing my way? Because, no, I cannot hide from the struggles and sins in my life.. but here's an ugly truth.. neither can you. We push, pull, dress up, and glamorize the crap in our life.  I can put make-up, jewelry, nice clothes, and heels on my body.. does that hide anything? Maybe.. but not to me. I still see it, and people around me may be fooled, but they see themselves.

I still got issues that's hard to let go
Still got some bitter situations with a few folks
Still got a temper that I work hard to control
I gotta remember your standard that's the goal

See, I know the situations I'm battling.. and many others know them, too. I have unresolved conflicts, I have a temper that often gets the best of my mind, I have people I am fleeing from at home, and I wrestle with forgiveness. I tear myself down with the rest of the world. I look in the mirror and point out every single way I fail throughout the day. And as I encounter the people and friends on campus, they do the same thing. We walk ourselves through a battlefield in our own minds. We fight alone. We fight for our lives, our souls, our faith, and our salvation. Until we remember, that fight was not meant for us to endure by ourselves.

The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.

Exodus 14:14

The reason the battle never fulfills us is because we aren't fighting it the way we were made to. We walk alone, depend on ourselves, craft our own weapons and shields. What if... what if, just for a second, we took a moment to be still and shut up those voices in our minds? What if we took the time to realize that we have others fighting with us and for us? What if we could just stop running long enough to look back and see the marathon of support alongside us? What if, just for one day, we put down our shields and weapons, and trusted that we would, in fact, still be okay? What if we could once again trust our brothers, sisters, and GOD to protect us like they were made to? What would happen? What would become of a girl who gave into rest, rather than running herself ragged... If she could just stop to breathe and allow, for just a moment, the battle to continue on without her?

What would become of us as brothers and sisters in Christ if we finally gave into our own battles and stepped down from the fight, allowing God to take the lead warrior position? What if...



The Most Important Meal of the Day.

*Yes, This took me a week to write and post.. life of a college student. I didn't even proof read, or check for typos. This post was written sparatically, over a series of days, where I somehow managed to find time between classes, mandatory "events", mass amounts of homework and reading, and trying to find my footing here at TFC... so im sorry ahead of time :)


Where I'm from, in my group of friends, we all have a general consensus.. there is one meal the trumps all other meals. And no, it is not breakfast.

 

"Wanna grab a coffee?"

 

Yep, there it is. The one question I grew, not only to anticipate being asked, but I whole-heartedly expected it.  Its such a short sentence. In fact, its not even a great sentence.. just a little, below average, sentence that most people wouldn't think much of. But to myself, and to my precious group of friends, we know its importance. We know that sentence has a sacred, valuable, and cherished meaning behind it. It goes much deeper than getting a caffeine fix.

 

 

I couldn't even begin to list the life changing, heart altering, and spiritually challenging conversations that have sparked from that sentence. I can recall so many moments, through my many years at home, that I have gotten to indulge in so many types of coffee with so many types of people. Some, I knew very well, and for some, coffee was the ice breaker that sparked friendship. My coffee date people know what I'm talking about. This is a time to sit in little coffee shops, Starbucks, or my personal favorite, in the comfort of a home. Life was shared, babies were watched (or sometimes ignored.. hehe), crafts were made, challenges were thrown down, bible verses were recited.. the best description I have ever heard of it came from a great friend, who 99.9% of the time is wiser and more godlike than most in my world, she puts it this way:

 

"We are living life together. At the end of the day, if you leave and my house is still a mess, and craft supplies are thrown everywhere, and my dishes and laundry aren't done, I will learn to be okay with that, because I know relationships happened, and those are more important than my housework."

I hope I did that justice, friend. Its a paraphrase, but the heart of your message is there there!!

 

Anyway, So what im saying it, from those many coffee dates i have learned so much about life, God, and who i am. So, where is this going.. Here we go!

 

A little known fact (lol) about me: I recently just left my home of 20 years (wow, im 20.. im old.) for college. I have been here a week and a half. I have made my dorm into my home, i have met my Profs., i have sat in chapel, and i have done the corny "Back To School" events. With that said, i will say, I absolutely adore my college life already. If you know me personally, you know that I am not a creature of change. I love the order that was my life back home. My people, my church, familiar roads and landmarks. I love it. Rather, I loved it. I have a new love now, and it is Tocca Falls College, and all that it entails.  

 

Yes, I know, im just shy of two weeks, what do I even know? I know this, for a girl (can i call myself girl? Im not a woman, this i know..) who hates change, I was ready to cry myself to sleep every night from homesickness, I was ready for the stomach knots of meeting new people and missing my old people, I was ready for awkward friendships for the next year, as I slowly caught my footing on these hilly lands. Let me tell you.. this has NOT been that case. How do I know Tocca Falls College is my new love? Because the second I stepped foot onto campus I experienced an overwhelming sense of home. Not to say I don't miss my other home, mostly my people, i dont enjoy knowing life actually DOES go on without Kinsey, but im growing to accept that, and embrace my new roles of life.

 

Anyway... Where does coffee even fit in with this?? Here we go.. Take two!

I have a friend here, and to say she's a Godsend would be an understatement. Shes an honorary soul sister. She has been a crutch to lean on in times where i feel uncertain. And yes, were known each other for 2 weeks, which is how I know God is ALL over it. If were not together, you can find us texting, plotting our next meeting, however truth be told, shes on my hall, directly diagonal from my room, so we are OFTEN together. I have loved stretching my relationship skills, because for a shy girl with 20 years of other invested friendships, i was not prepared to make friends, especially close friends, quickly.  However, I knew when her awesome self popped into my room and asked "Wanna grab coffee" this friendship was about to get real. Poor girl, she had no idea my emotional ties to coffee dates.

Long post short: This coffee date was incredible. Filled with laughter, tears, stories, and God. It kick started a friendship. It took us from shallow, day-to-day ramblings, to being able to ask the deep, hard, and uncomfortable questions. All of that from one sentence. Maybe I put too much emphasis on it, maybe it just happened. Maybe that's what you think. But I know different, I know the impact that can come from coffee drinking with people.

So where does this post go next.. i have no idea! Im still trying to finish mass amounts of homework!

Maybe you take this and make it into a challenge.. yeah! There it is!
I, Kinsey, challenge you, reader, to ask someone to coffee! Be it someone you know and love, or a stranger you wish to connect with, im telling you, nothing opens people up like a delish cup of coffee!!


Staycations are the bomb.

In preparation for 2 weeks of full time mission work, my friends left for a 10 day vacation with their two kids.. leaving behind their doggie. Thankfully, they asked me to house sit.. thus beginning my 10 day vacation as well!

Unfortunately, as an intern, with her boss and another crucial member of our team gone, I still had lots and lots of work to do this week.. but thankfully, it was fun work.. putting the final touches on our mission trip to Detroit (yippee!) and one high school event. I am still making the most of my staycation!

A staycation for me may raise some questions for my friends at home, allow me to shed some light:

1.) Kins.. you live alone, how much more of a staycation do you need?
Answer: Yes, I live alone. However, the time I spend there is minimal, because I am so busy, and like to have friends around me. You can usually find me crashing at my second home with friends. there are many fun pluses to staycations at someone elses house! I have wifi, which is not something I am privileged with at my home. Which means one major thing.. NETFLIX. Yep, that's right.. I spent an ENTIRE day watching Greys Anatomy in my pjs. Another plus.. my friends have every movie known to man.. seriously.. so many movies, who need redbox? One more perk.. I didn't make it a super known fact that I was having a staycation.. so I have gotten some great alone chill time, which is super awesome, considering I will be on the mission field for the next two weeks.. not only that, but when I come home, I will be in a frenzy trying to pack and organize 20 years of my life... Because school starts 3 short weeks after I come home!!

2.) What does one do on a staycation?
Answer: I hit on this already.. I have gotten some seriously ridiculous amount of Netflix watching done! Im actually impressed. Ive gotten to read a bit. I have had a few people over for a movie night. Ive actually made myself dinner every night, and if you know me, that's huge, I never, ever, ever cook for just myself. I caught up on laundry, which again.. thankful!!! Most importantly ive had quality "me" time.. which I really stink at doing for someone who technically lives alone.


Im feeling super refreshed and grateful that I got to have myself a little staycation!
Its exactly what I needed after this busy interning summer. Now.. im off to fold laundry and maybe watch some star wars and cry over the fact that sweet little Annie turns in to Darth Vader. Which, my friends, is another blog for another day.

The Big 2-0..

I'll have more to post on this.. but for now.. enjoy this video my besties made for me.. and make sure you watch it.. because.. THEY MADE ME A THEME SONG. Yikes.

Check out the video.. here!!

to my past and present EASM family..

Hey y'all!

If youre reading this, that means you are either a blogging friend, or you have personally walked with me through my journey in Edgewater Alliance Student Ministries, either way, know that I am thankful to have you visit my site and read my thoughts :)

Well.. its 11:30 on my final Wednesday night at youth group with EASM, other then when I come home to visit, which know, I WILL be coming to visit! I cannot express what the past 9 years have meant to me. I have grown up with you guys. You have not only been true friends, but a loyal family as well. And I truly (yes, even you who I often pick on) love you all. I know I will not even come close to thanking all of you by simply writing this, but I sure am going to try my hardest.

This goes out to my past and present lifeguards and staff..
Wow, 9 years.. I know some of you can still imagine what I was like in 6th grade.. and can I just say, thank you for not killing me!

When I think about my middle school years, I think about the family who took me in every Wednesday afternoon, fed me dinner, and loved me as if I was one of their own. They took me on family vacations, and allowed me to spend (probably way too many) nights keeping their daughter up late! You were the ones who first showed me TobyMac, and RelientK.. still two of my favorites. I look back and laugh (almost to tears) at the car rids to Orlando where a certain friend told us about an interesting punishment his parents enforced. You were the very beginning of my EAC family, and you taught me how to love like Jesus, even when the person you are loving is a crazy middle school girl.

To my middle school leaders.. again.. thanks for not killing me!!
seriously, I was obnoxious! But hey.. I LOVE Jesus and I learned that from you guys! Thank you for the many sleepless nights you spent on the floor of a church during conference weekends.. and not taking pictures of all of us trying to fit on the kid size seesaw :) Seriously though, I can look at middle school, and remember one of you praying with me at Planet Wisdom after I decided to give my life to Christ. I had NO idea what that meant, but you prayed with me, and that will be a memory for the rest of my life. I had no idea how hard it was to love middle schoolers until I was the one having to do it!! And let me say, as much as you may have questioned yourselves, you loved me so well, and I love all of you!

High school leaders..
wow, I think I was even more of a mess in high school then I was in middle school!! So thanks to you guys, too, for not killing me.. though I did hear about you wanting to quite a few times.
I may have accepted Christ in middle school, but its because you guys that I grew to be more than that. Thank you for enduring late night phone calls and texts when I thought my life was falling apart, and thanks for telling me it was going to be okay, I can specifically remember that. Thank you for the sleepovers watching scary movies (that kept a friend and I up TERRIFIED). Thank you for not laughing, too hard anyway, when we asked for a night light. Thank you for the late nights spent at Dennys, even though I always felt ill after, it was worth it. Thanks for letting a crazy teenage girl hang with your kids and family. Thank you for the dinners, and every other meal, you invited me to. One big thank you for not letting me off easy, yep I said it.. thank you for calling me out on my crap, even when I hated you for it. Thanks for the 13 hour road trip you endured with 4 teenage girls and a pregnant wife (you are brave!) Thanks for not rolling your eyes too hard when I gushed over my latest crush, or cried over a fight with a friend. Thank you for verbally slapping me about my grades. Thank you for cheering me on, as I cheered (Cheer-ception?) on the football team. Thank you for making me go to Detroit, and showing me how to love deeply. That barely touches on everything you did for me. I love you all very much!!

To my friends and students (present and past)
Golly, some of us have spent 9 years together!! I owe you guys a ton. Thank you for late night conversations, and for also telling me life was going to be okay. Thank you for enduring black Friday in Orlando with me! Thanks for the shopping trips, bible studies, and movie marathons I made you do! Thank you for showing me grace and love when I screwed up (which was and IS a lot of the time) Thanks for the nights we stayed away in the dark talking for hours. The leaders taught me, but you held me accountable. Even if we lost touch since our days in the easm gang, know that I love you, and you will always have a special place in my heart, and if you ever need me one more time for a 3am phone call, im in:) If you have been one of my students the past few years, thanks for dealing with me! I know I wasn't prepared for group as well as I could have been most days.. but I did love you guys! Thanks for acting just like I did, giving me a taste of what it was like for my leaders to love me with grace and mercy. Thanks for teaching me to forgive like Jesus. Thank you for not rolling your eyes (to my face anyway) when I made you listen to another song, because it was perfect for the lesson. Thank you for accepting me as a leader and always (usually) showing me respect. You crazy students have taught me SO much, do I even need to leave for school?? Thanks for the crazy car rides, and for always leaving me a visual trail of where in my car you were :)



I know its not much, but guys, there's just no way I could thank all of you for everything you have done for me. I will always consider you guys my friends and family, as long as its okay with you ;)

okay.. enough of this mushy sappy stuff. You know its not my thing.

I have 3 months of summer left with you crazy people!!! :)

Im going to bold it because its important..
please comment, or let me know you read this, I would love to hear some of the memories you have with me! Even if they are embarrassing! Bring it on!

The big 95

My dear blog readers..

Please overlook any misspellings in this post.. I'm writing it on my baby (iphone) and Lord knows autocorrect is everyone's enemy. 

So.. As I'm currently lying on my floor (no joke!) I just stumbled upon a little thought. 

*95 days until my great adventure begins!  Y'all.. We are out of triple digits. If you could only see the look of horror and excitement (is it possible to have both at once?? --well, I do. ) 

*95 days left hanging at my one of my favorite  places, drinking coffee, making crafts, loving babies, and as she puts it "just living life together"

*95 more days living alone, coming home to quiet. Or I suppose, as it is now, the sound of tv, which fills the creepy silence of my 4/3 house that I share with NO ONE. I am blessed, but the quiet is weird. 

*95 more days to love on the church I have been apart of for half my life (almost!) and to love on my coworkers there, and our students who have a very special place in my heart. 

*95 more days to soak in the beauty of my beach town. Yes, we all go through the " I hate nsb, get me out!" Stage... But moving somewhere that has no beach.. I will miss it something fierce! The little coffee shop that I don't visit nearly enough.. All the changed that are happening to the main road.. And mostly.. Bagel world and mi Mexico! You can replicate those places!!!

*95 more days until I will officially no longer be able to spend an entire day sleeping on the beach. 

*95 more days until I will be forced out of my all to comfortable bubble of family and love I have lived in for many years. 

These are just a few of the MANY things I know are changing...

So I guess it's okay to allow myself to lay on the floor and let myself watch "just one more" episode of criminal minds while I munch on hummus and chips.. Texting my pals, because in 95 short days... It all changes. 

When Sparrows Fall..

This:
http://vimeo.com/58318290

This is a story about a little girl. A little girl who I have never met, but I feel as though I completely know. Her name is Daisy Love. I have been following her story and her battle with cancer, praying along side her family, for over 3 years. And yesterday (Too long after the event happened) I found out she went to be with Jesus. I got lazy, and stopped checking into Prayfordaisy.com and missed it. Im angry with myself for missing it. I felt like a failure. But, I cant change it now. All I can do now if look back. I look back and read the final few posts on the last few weeks of her life. I look back and  watch her father preach at his church for the first time in a long, long time. And soon, though I don't think I can yet, I will watch her memorial service. But right now, today, I am just going to be sad, and a little angry at myself.

"Not one sparrow will fall to the ground apart your Father" Matt. 10:29

 

A manuscript unfinished.

Today I am writing.

Today wasn't exactly great.

 Today I saw something I shouldn't have.

.........

Today I read words that were not meant for me to see. Words that, because I was never meant to see them, crush my heart. Today I realized the people I thought loved me, didn't, or at least in that moment, forgot what loving me looked like. The hearts behind the words I saw were motivated by hate, revenge, and with the intention to cause dysfunction in my small, seemingly happy, world. You see, these words are from old wounds, an old story that I thought had written its last chapter. They were supposed to be lost in translation, a manuscript that went unfinished. It didn't go unfinished though...because an unwanted editor found them. I knew I had stumbled onto a chapter I wasn't supposed to read, I knew they existed, but I didn't know who wrote them, or where they were located. I didn't go searching for this unfinished manuscript, or maybe I did, it doesn't matter now, I cant unread it. "I'll let it go" I told myself. "They from an old story, and old book with dust on it, and it doesn't matter to your new story your writing" I tried, I really did, to convince myself to let it go. I couldn't though, you see, its like I had stumbled onto undiscovered pages written about a character I loved. It was like a novel written to show me the behind-the-scenes actions, that for months, I longed to know. However, like any novel from the past, once the story was finished and shelved, I gave up on learning the intricate details that made the plot work. But now.. I saw the words, I held the answers to my once burning questions right in my fingertips, how could I not finish the story?

...........

 

So there I sat.. reading, crying a little, wishing I hadn't done it. I should have just left that manuscript shelved. The days that have followed finding those writings haven't been fun either. I have questioned so much. I have been looking back at relationships wondering what I did that would make a friend turn their back on me and be a part of such a nasty chapter in my life. I sat and sulked about the authors behind those pages for the past few days, and you know where that got me? Nowhere. It made me bitter, and angry. I realized, I was starting to become those people, those nasty people who wrote and said such awful things against me. So this is it.. After this post, I'm done. I will never go back to that old book, with those hateful pages. To the authors that will remain unaware that I am not in the know of what has been said.. I forgive you. And I really mean it. I forgive you out of a selfish reason though, because I want to be done with this old book and I want to move past all of this dark, heavy junk.

...........

Here is one praise in the middle of this rough patch though:

I sat in a room, sulking, whining, and complaining about how upset I was.. with two other friends (who I dearly love and appreciate) thankfully had the guts to call me out on being a baby and quickly reminded me to focus on who my enemy was. In my story, my enemy is not one who is visible. He prowls around me, like a lion, unseen. Then, smack in the middle of my little, sad face, it hit me..

..........

It's as though our sneaky little God knew that on a quiet Thursday morning (roughly 6:30 am) I would sit myself down for a bible study before a busy day, and highlight words that would circle around to this specific chapter of my perfectly orchestrated story.. highlighted with little, school-girl  hearts around it, sat a verse, the perfect verse straight from Him:

 

^"28 Do not be afraid of those who kill the

body but cannot kill the soul.

 Rather, be afraid of the One who

can destroy both soul and body in hell."

 

and I remember the words I would write next to it, partially from Francis Chan's idea.., "its true, the things people do to us will not crush our souls. it will bruise it, and it can hurt it, but they can never crush it." Though words do hurt me down to the core, they can never crush my soul. I shouldn't be afraid of what they have to say, and I shouldn't put so much focus on it. At the end of the day I realize the things said and written to hurt me came from hurt people. They were burned, scarred, and angry with life.. and they took it out on me. Why am I surprised that such things would be said? Maybe because I though I was entitled to something better from certain people. I'm not entitled to anything from this world. What a crazy concept.

..........

I love Francesca Battistelli's new song "Strangely Dim". Music is so much of my life (duh, my blog centers around a song), it can hit me in places human words cant. I've been listening to this song on repeat for almost 30 minutes now..

 

But when I fix my eyes on all that You are,

 then every doubt I feel deep in my heart,

grows strangely dim. All my worries fade and fall to the ground.

Cause when I seek Your face, and don't look around,

any place I'm in grows strangely dim.

 

I mean.. WOW. If that doesn't just hit you, you might not be alive. Its so true and relevant to my life right now. In this chapter of my story, the second I stopped looking at who hurt me and how sad I was, I looked to God, all my problems became strangely dim, they just didn't matter anymore. I'm sitting here wondering where I go next with this problem. I want the throw this unfinished manuscript back into a dusty shelf in my mind and forget about it. And maybe for a while I will, but some how I know my enemy will lurk around and find it again. Maybe next time I will remember this moment and realize that I fix my eyes my problems become strangely dim, im still working on that part.

 

to be continued....

Kins