A manuscript unfinished.

Today I am writing.

Today wasn't exactly great.

 Today I saw something I shouldn't have.

.........

Today I read words that were not meant for me to see. Words that, because I was never meant to see them, crush my heart. Today I realized the people I thought loved me, didn't, or at least in that moment, forgot what loving me looked like. The hearts behind the words I saw were motivated by hate, revenge, and with the intention to cause dysfunction in my small, seemingly happy, world. You see, these words are from old wounds, an old story that I thought had written its last chapter. They were supposed to be lost in translation, a manuscript that went unfinished. It didn't go unfinished though...because an unwanted editor found them. I knew I had stumbled onto a chapter I wasn't supposed to read, I knew they existed, but I didn't know who wrote them, or where they were located. I didn't go searching for this unfinished manuscript, or maybe I did, it doesn't matter now, I cant unread it. "I'll let it go" I told myself. "They from an old story, and old book with dust on it, and it doesn't matter to your new story your writing" I tried, I really did, to convince myself to let it go. I couldn't though, you see, its like I had stumbled onto undiscovered pages written about a character I loved. It was like a novel written to show me the behind-the-scenes actions, that for months, I longed to know. However, like any novel from the past, once the story was finished and shelved, I gave up on learning the intricate details that made the plot work. But now.. I saw the words, I held the answers to my once burning questions right in my fingertips, how could I not finish the story?

...........

 

So there I sat.. reading, crying a little, wishing I hadn't done it. I should have just left that manuscript shelved. The days that have followed finding those writings haven't been fun either. I have questioned so much. I have been looking back at relationships wondering what I did that would make a friend turn their back on me and be a part of such a nasty chapter in my life. I sat and sulked about the authors behind those pages for the past few days, and you know where that got me? Nowhere. It made me bitter, and angry. I realized, I was starting to become those people, those nasty people who wrote and said such awful things against me. So this is it.. After this post, I'm done. I will never go back to that old book, with those hateful pages. To the authors that will remain unaware that I am not in the know of what has been said.. I forgive you. And I really mean it. I forgive you out of a selfish reason though, because I want to be done with this old book and I want to move past all of this dark, heavy junk.

...........

Here is one praise in the middle of this rough patch though:

I sat in a room, sulking, whining, and complaining about how upset I was.. with two other friends (who I dearly love and appreciate) thankfully had the guts to call me out on being a baby and quickly reminded me to focus on who my enemy was. In my story, my enemy is not one who is visible. He prowls around me, like a lion, unseen. Then, smack in the middle of my little, sad face, it hit me..

..........

It's as though our sneaky little God knew that on a quiet Thursday morning (roughly 6:30 am) I would sit myself down for a bible study before a busy day, and highlight words that would circle around to this specific chapter of my perfectly orchestrated story.. highlighted with little, school-girl  hearts around it, sat a verse, the perfect verse straight from Him:

 

^"28 Do not be afraid of those who kill the

body but cannot kill the soul.

 Rather, be afraid of the One who

can destroy both soul and body in hell."

 

and I remember the words I would write next to it, partially from Francis Chan's idea.., "its true, the things people do to us will not crush our souls. it will bruise it, and it can hurt it, but they can never crush it." Though words do hurt me down to the core, they can never crush my soul. I shouldn't be afraid of what they have to say, and I shouldn't put so much focus on it. At the end of the day I realize the things said and written to hurt me came from hurt people. They were burned, scarred, and angry with life.. and they took it out on me. Why am I surprised that such things would be said? Maybe because I though I was entitled to something better from certain people. I'm not entitled to anything from this world. What a crazy concept.

..........

I love Francesca Battistelli's new song "Strangely Dim". Music is so much of my life (duh, my blog centers around a song), it can hit me in places human words cant. I've been listening to this song on repeat for almost 30 minutes now..

 

But when I fix my eyes on all that You are,

 then every doubt I feel deep in my heart,

grows strangely dim. All my worries fade and fall to the ground.

Cause when I seek Your face, and don't look around,

any place I'm in grows strangely dim.

 

I mean.. WOW. If that doesn't just hit you, you might not be alive. Its so true and relevant to my life right now. In this chapter of my story, the second I stopped looking at who hurt me and how sad I was, I looked to God, all my problems became strangely dim, they just didn't matter anymore. I'm sitting here wondering where I go next with this problem. I want the throw this unfinished manuscript back into a dusty shelf in my mind and forget about it. And maybe for a while I will, but some how I know my enemy will lurk around and find it again. Maybe next time I will remember this moment and realize that I fix my eyes my problems become strangely dim, im still working on that part.

 

to be continued....

Kins

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Funny..or maybe not.

Isnt it strange when you wake up, and life suddenly isnt what it used to be? Did we really stop being friends? Did i really graduate from high school? Surely im not a college student..

Yeah, actually, all of that is true, it all happened. It really is funny how life works out.. the people you call "best friends" turn out to not be as great as you thought, or the one you counted on for years suddenly is too good for you.. God has placed me at the school i swore my entire high school career i wouldnt go to. And, now, i sit back and look at what has shaken down the past few years -and it is NOT what i expected at all..

That said, im pretty sure i love my life. Do i want to be in this town, at this school? NO. But i get to spend time with precious people i love.. i get to watch babies and teenagers that i love grow up for at least another year.. and that in itself is amazing. However, i do miss friendships. I miss having girl nights. I miss week long sleepovers during summer. I miss having someone to share my stupid life stories with. And the unfortunate realization about spring break has hit me.. i have no one to spend it with. My closest friends, still being in high school, do not have the same break as i do. so while all of my "cool" college friends are living it up, i will do what i do best.. hang with myself and God, and hopefully get very very tan. I do envy the friends of mine who had the means to leave for school, and i hope they count their blessings.

Meanwhile, im here, in New Smyrna, doing the same old thing..

thats my boring life..

-kins

ps.. A job opportunity recently opened up for me. And incredible summer job, where i would be paid to do something i love.. so when you read this (whoever you are) send up a prayer to my main man Jesus, and ask him to do a great work for me.

The Coolest English Assignment EVER

Going with the following paragraph,
does anyone even use the baseball diamond
approach as a writer, i think not.

We have recently finished chapter 2 in my English book. Chapter 2 has been all about writing processes and figuring out what your personal writing style is. We have now, as a class, been challenged to put what we have learned into practice by writing a piece evaluating ourselves as writers. Being the creative soul that I am, when I heard we may make this project into hypertext form (and for those like me, who do not know what that is, basically, a blog), I jumped at it. Plus, I figured that my poor, neglected blog needed some kind of love and attention. When I look at myself as a writer I first look at what influences me. What causes me to want to write anything in the first place? Who is it that I think of when I am writing? What inspires me? These are the questions that launched me into discovering who exactly I am as a writer, and the following is just a brief report on my findings.

I believe the techniques you use as a writer will define your work. From the start i have been pushed to always plan my writing ahead. What I have learned from my time spent blogging and journaling is that sometimes you don’t need to plan ahead; it is possible that the streaming thoughts in your head are enough planning to work with. What really needs to happen to start a good piece of writing is a draft. Like we read in the Shitty First Drafts article, your first drafts are usually horrid. However, from that, you have created a brilliant starting point. This is how, as a writer, I use pre planning. I have never been a planner, so using that method of writing never worked for me. I have found once I get all of my ideas out of my head and on paper that is where the real writing starts. I don’t need a “web” or a “baseball diamond” to plan out what I am going to say,because most of the time knowing what to say isn’t my initial problem. (by the way, REALLY? Does anyone really use the baseball diamond past age 7? NO.) I have never been a person of few words, in fact, quite the opposite, I often find myself editing sentences OUT of my paragraphs. Learning about heuristic rules has also really helped my scattered planning process. Trying to figure out what does and doesn’t fit into my papers often become stressful. Heuristic rules (introduced  by Mike Rose) have shown me that not everything needs a set rule on how to write. If one thing doesn’t fit, try another sentence, and if that doesn’t fit, try something else. There can be flexibility in the rules of writing. I learned that the "rules and plans" instructed to use for effective writing do not need to be set in stone, you can make changes in the process that help fit to your style of writing. The fact that I don’t plan the way I have been drilled to while in school is okay, because it works for me, and I still can write effective pieces despite not following the typical writing path step by step.

One writer I pull a lot of my idea and styles from is J.K Rowling. Please, hold off on the eye rolling until I get my valid (and well thought out) explanation across. It would be easy for me to pin my love of writing and reading completely on her. I fell in love with her stories and characters, and the imagination she had to make them. However, that said, even if I had zero interest in Harry Potter (which would be totally weird and life changing for me! i mean, HELLO, i was Harry Potter for Halloween, it doesn't get more obsessed than that..), I would still think J.K. was a genius. Her writing is completely unique, and she has never worried about the rules and regulations that seem to be put on writing. I used to think that I was breaking so many rules and writing completely incorrectly when I was younger because I would never write my introduction first. I used to (and still do to this day) write the “main body” of my essay first, and then, using everything I have in my paper, I finish with writing the introduction. It wasn’t until a few years ago I found out that J.K. had completed the ending to the entire Harry Potter series before she was even into the 4^th book.(A list of things she also has to teach found here) She knew where her book series was going, and she wrote around it. That helped me see that it is okay to write different from the rest of the world. Reassuring my unconventional writing style once more was the article in chapter 2 by Stephen King. He let me see that you can place one object in front of many people, and each person will take something different away from that one object. You can give me and a group of my friends the same topic, and each one of us will come up with our own concepts and feelings on how to write a piece on it. Writing this paper (trying to be unique with my blog form of it) I came across this link, a collision of the 2 people who helped me accept my writing. An article by Stephen about the Harry Potter series. This could possibly win over some "anti-Potter" critics.

Another article that helped me discover what kind of writer I am, and maybe even my inner personality as well, was the article by Allegra Goodman. I have never been a person to go easy on myself, whether it was a mistake i made, correcting behavior, or even editing an essay. Revision has always been hard for me. I am a person who doesn't even like to see videos of myself, because I am usually acting like a fool and I can’t stand my own voice. I'm also the girl who has the video of her speaking at her high school baccalaureate with a speech she spent weeks on. The video has been sitting on my computer for months, and I cannot even force myself to watch it, the fear of finding out I looked and sounded awful is too much for me to face! So, in complete honesty, seeing an article I had to read about “calming my inner critic” made me a little more than nervous. The first paragraph alone was enough of a slap to the face to point out that I am not the only person in the world who feels like this. The first point she made was forgetting that past. Let go of what you have already done, whether right or wrong, because you are doing something completely new, and looking back on your past failures will only hinder the great work you could be doing! “Live in possibility” she says. “Your master piece could be just around the corner. Genius could befall you at any moment." I love that. The next “crazy” concept she drilled into me was “love your material." She said that nothing scared your inner critic more than loving your work. Don’t second guess, or wonder if what you are writing is stellar, just write it, and love it. She goes on to say if you want to write something, anything, you are going to risk falling on your face. But I think the difference between writers (like Rowling and King) and I is that those writers are okay with that risk, and will accept failure sometimes, I, however, do not like the feeling of not doing well. (More funny "Inner Critic" photos HERE).

I often can fit a moment or feeling in my life into a song, for this paragraph this is the song to sum it up in a pretty 2 minutes.

Could you imagine chiseling all day just
to end up with nothing?! frustration.
Sometimes that is how i feel about revision.

Writing that last paragraph (or maybe novel, because it was pretty long..) almost made this following paragraph impossible to write. I was going to go into my revision process (or lack ofone). I think possibly my inner critic was going to get slightly feisty with myself and point out how many flaws I have in this area of writing. I was going to use the article about revision by Perl and go into the parts that I desperately need to work on. However, I will not be doing that now. I decided to revisit the articles about revision in chapter 2 and stumbled across one by Barbara Tomlinson. In the beginning of the article she asks a question. “Is rewriting a‘slow grinding business’? [or] is it a matter of chiseling away at rock-hard text? Or pushing and pulling a text of malleable clay?” And to be honest, I'm not even sure I caught the entire meaning of the article, because I got stuck on that question, and the rest of the article was just kind of a mush of words that I really wasn’t focused on. (plus, i couldn't get this intense skit, by my most favorite, people out of my head) This question helped me realized that, like the writing process, as a writer I have a style of the revision process and it is unique to me. However, I have come to realize because revision does not come easily to me, unlike my relaxed planning and writing process, the “tools” I use while revising need to be the sharpest ones I have and I need to spend a lot more time in this step of writing. Revision has always felt like an unnecessary chore to me. However after reading the first 2 chapters of this book I now know that it is very important. And before I can sign my name at the bottom of this art piece, I need to follow through with every step. I am slowing learning that the writer part of me needs to embrace every part of the writing process, even the parts I do not exceed in. I will never be great in revision, but slowly I have been gaining new insights and techniques that make it doable. I have begun to look at revision less as a chore and more as putting the “final coat” onto my painting. Allowing others to read and correct my papers is not easy for me(probably because of that inner critic I'm still working on controlling). However,I have done it, and I see how helpful it is, and why it is important.

Going into this assignment, I simply thought that it was going to be talking about myself,and it was going to be a breeze and an easy “A." However, this assignment really did what it was supposed to do. I have really examined and defined myself as a writer. I have realized what personality traits I have and how they can help or hurt me as a writer. I have had to look at the places I fail when writing, and have figured out a plan of action to correct how I think about my failures and to prevent them from hindering my writing further. From this assignment I have learned that writing isn’t a separate part of me, however it is a part of who I am. The ways I go through the different parts of the writing process reflect how I handle things in my everyday life. And though I am still continuing to learn how to incorporate my personality into my writing, I feel like this project has given me a much better look into how my character traits fit into the writing process, making it my own.

xoxo
-Kins
(ps.. hopefully i wont be another 100 years, or another English project that brings me back to my blogging days) :)

I just want you to know

You are are one who screwed yourself over and i am SO done with listening to you whine and complain about it. You're not the only person you hurt. But you're to self centered to realize that.

Best thing about having a blog is saying that, and no one knows what i'm talking about, but i feel so much better saying it.

Just For You

"It's way past due that I write just for You

I've been distracted by what can't compare to You

You're worth every note every struggle and pain, every refrain

And I'm gonna sing my lonesome song

Remembering You're with me through the storm"

-B.Reith

Listening to this song today as i rode to school(far to early in my opinion) I realized that i feel just like he does. My words please everyone around me. I'm a "people pleaser" i say and do things, basically to make other people happy. Which is totally wrong.. so so so wrong. i have been distracted by things that cant even come close to God that i have forgotten what my main goal should be, to please HIM.

Recently i have decided to stop being a "people pleaser" and to be honest, I'm quite amused with some of the results of this decision. I enjoy some of the looks i have been getting, even though i know the thoughts behind those looks are very unhappy and negative. Not that i enjoy making people be unhappy or negative, but i do enjoy the feeling of people knowing exactly where i stand, and also them knowing that there is NOTHING they can do to change that anymore.

After last nights message at youth(or at least what i pulled from it) God doesn't make mistakes. So while i know i will never be perfect in most of my thoughts and actions, its okay to say and make them. God created me to think and be this way, and allowing people to change me is basically a slap in the face to God telling him he did not create me good enough. There is comfort in the thought that there will never be anyone in this world like me. God created me to be this person. I want to embrace every opportunity being Kinsey has. I stand alone in a crowd of people, and while that would scare or even sadden others, i find great joy in my differences.

I can no longer be distracted by the things of this world that have no comparison to the greatest creator to ever be. So be warned my friends. For i am becoming unafraid of speaking my mind and sticking to it.

Kinsey's Top Ten..

There are 10 things that can basically make any of my "blah" days better:

1.) A good ringtone to wake up to. It's the first thing you hear in the morning, so you know, it has to be good. Right now its "Hands" by The Almost.



2.) Advisory. The best period of the day, in between 2nd and 3rd period, a 30 minute break.. and if you have a good teacher (which i absolutly do!) you get to sit, listen to music, play on the computer, enjoy a mid school snack, or something like that.. it helps when you kow your going to have a crazy day.

3.) The library during lunch. Its nice and quiet, and just like advisory, it helps calm a crazy day. Lucky for us, we have a great media teacher who lets me lurk fashion sites and blogs, and SparkLife (:

4.) A good playlist to jam to in the car. This week its a mix of: Old Needtobreathe, The Almost, Above the Golden State, and Switchfoot.. super up beat, wakes me up before and after school (:

5.) One tree hill and Greys Anatomy reruns. Because lets be honest.. why do homework when you can watch episodes you love and have seen a millon times (:

6.) A good Starbuck run(Chai Tea latte with soy).

This does not need a description, only this --------------->

mmmmmm... i can smell the spicy yummmmyyness!!!

7.) My little pink binder. Home of basically everything important..

pictures, encouragement notes, some writings, random things from youth group, song book from detroit, weekend book from stuck, old cards and letters. Just a bunch of random things that make me smile.

8.) Perezhilton.com. If you need a good laugh, and want to catch up on any celeb gossip, he is your go to guy! Love him.

9.) Flickr.com. Just to waist time looking up random photo's, the best site for cool random flower shots, band pictures, and sweet wedding pictures..

10.) A good Grooveshark playlist to drift you into sleep (: if you dont know what grooveshark is... you should. Its awesome.

well, friends.. thats my boring post for today (:

Enjoyyy!!

xoxo -kins ♥

Today..

Today is not my day. Today i am going to try not to call you and scream every profanity i know in your ear, but that doesnt mean i wont say it in my head. Today i know that i am going to put some progress aside, and let myself be angry. Today, im not going to lie, i want to throw something at a window just to watch it break. Today i will admit that i looked at a picture of you, and i wanted to yell. I will also admit that today, everytime i saw a post you made on facebook it took everything in me not to say something mean. Today im fighting the Hulk inside me. Today im going to let you get under my skin Today writing this is keeping me from saying it to your face. Yeah... Today is not my day. Bu thats okay.. tomorrow will be better.