Today I am writing.
Today wasn't exactly great.
Today I saw something I shouldn't have.
.........
Today I read words that were not meant for me to see. Words that, because I was never meant to see them, crush my heart. Today I realized the people I thought loved me, didn't, or at least in that moment, forgot what loving me looked like. The hearts behind the words I saw were motivated by hate, revenge, and with the intention to cause dysfunction in my small, seemingly happy, world. You see, these words are from old wounds, an old story that I thought had written its last chapter. They were supposed to be lost in translation, a manuscript that went unfinished. It didn't go unfinished though...because an unwanted editor found them. I knew I had stumbled onto a chapter I wasn't supposed to read, I knew they existed, but I didn't know who wrote them, or where they were located. I didn't go searching for this unfinished manuscript, or maybe I did, it doesn't matter now, I cant unread it. "I'll let it go" I told myself. "They from an old story, and old book with dust on it, and it doesn't matter to your new story your writing" I tried, I really did, to convince myself to let it go. I couldn't though, you see, its like I had stumbled onto undiscovered pages written about a character I loved. It was like a novel written to show me the behind-the-scenes actions, that for months, I longed to know. However, like any novel from the past, once the story was finished and shelved, I gave up on learning the intricate details that made the plot work. But now.. I saw the words, I held the answers to my once burning questions right in my fingertips, how could I not finish the story?
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So there I sat.. reading, crying a little, wishing I hadn't done it. I should have just left that manuscript shelved. The days that have followed finding those writings haven't been fun either. I have questioned so much. I have been looking back at relationships wondering what I did that would make a friend turn their back on me and be a part of such a nasty chapter in my life. I sat and sulked about the authors behind those pages for the past few days, and you know where that got me? Nowhere. It made me bitter, and angry. I realized, I was starting to become those people, those nasty people who wrote and said such awful things against me. So this is it.. After this post, I'm done. I will never go back to that old book, with those hateful pages. To the authors that will remain unaware that I am not in the know of what has been said.. I forgive you. And I really mean it. I forgive you out of a selfish reason though, because I want to be done with this old book and I want to move past all of this dark, heavy junk.
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Here is one praise in the middle of this rough patch though:
I sat in a room, sulking, whining, and complaining about how upset I was.. with two other friends (who I dearly love and appreciate) thankfully had the guts to call me out on being a baby and quickly reminded me to focus on who my enemy was. In my story, my enemy is not one who is visible. He prowls around me, like a lion, unseen. Then, smack in the middle of my little, sad face, it hit me..
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It's as though our sneaky little God knew that on a quiet Thursday morning (roughly 6:30 am) I would sit myself down for a bible study before a busy day, and highlight words that would circle around to this specific chapter of my perfectly orchestrated story.. highlighted with little, school-girl hearts around it, sat a verse, the perfect verse straight from Him:
"28 Do not be afraid of those who kill the
body but cannot kill the soul.
Rather, be afraid of the One who
can destroy both soul and body in hell."
and I remember the words I would write next to it, partially from Francis Chan's idea.., "its true, the things people do to us will not crush our souls. it will bruise it, and it can hurt it, but they can never crush it." Though words do hurt me down to the core, they can never crush my soul. I shouldn't be afraid of what they have to say, and I shouldn't put so much focus on it. At the end of the day I realize the things said and written to hurt me came from hurt people. They were burned, scarred, and angry with life.. and they took it out on me. Why am I surprised that such things would be said? Maybe because I though I was entitled to something better from certain people. I'm not entitled to anything from this world. What a crazy concept.
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I love Francesca Battistelli's new song "Strangely Dim". Music is so much of my life (duh, my blog centers around a song), it can hit me in places human words cant. I've been listening to this song on repeat for almost 30 minutes now..
But when I fix my eyes on all that You are,
then every doubt I feel deep in my heart,
grows strangely dim. All my worries fade and fall to the ground.
Cause when I seek Your face, and don't look around,
any place I'm in grows strangely dim.
I mean.. WOW. If that doesn't just hit you, you might not be alive. Its so true and relevant to my life right now. In this chapter of my story, the second I stopped looking at who hurt me and how sad I was, I looked to God, all my problems became strangely dim, they just didn't matter anymore. I'm sitting here wondering where I go next with this problem. I want the throw this unfinished manuscript back into a dusty shelf in my mind and forget about it. And maybe for a while I will, but some how I know my enemy will lurk around and find it again. Maybe next time I will remember this moment and realize that I fix my eyes my problems become strangely dim, im still working on that part.
to be continued....
Kins
