Are You Being Made Well?

This post comes with a bit of a preface:

I have found myself a part of a launch team for Jenny Simmons new book, Made Well. Outside of receiving the book to review and help promote, I get nothing from this (monetary wise, I got A LOT from this book in many other ways). These are my actual person thoughts about a book I so happen to LOVE. So, once you finish reading, check out Madewellbook.com, pre-order today and you will be entered to win a ton of great prizes, on top of receiving an amazing book!

Back to my post:

Are you being made well?

well. whole. complete.

While there are nuggets of wisdom scattering throughout the entire book (as well as a great story about being fist deep in worm poop, y'all, I cannot make that up!), I am going to focus on one particular section that resonated with me the other day.

As most people who will read my blog know, I recently have made a huge change in my life. I have moved. Twice. Once from my college, back to my hometown, then again from my home town to Michigan (about 1,200 miles away... or a 25 hour drive in a uhaul). I loved my school. I mean I LOVED my school. I kind of didn't want to move home. And then I loved being home, and I kind of didn't want to move to Michigan. But here I am, sitting in a Starbucks on a cool (basically Florida winter...) fall day, in a town in Michigan. And if you know me at all, or go back and read anything I've posted, you will see a reoccurring theme: I AM A CREATURE OF HABIT. The times I feel the most restless or lost are when  major changes are being made in my life. I was doing pretty well with this whole moving a million times (I love exaggerating) thing until, some things in Michigan did not go the way I planned. I needed to heal a bit. I needed my places, my people, my familiar sights. Alas, I had none. Or so I thought. Cue "Made Well" 

I have my typical places of healing (as I suspect everyone does).

In no particular order:

The beach in my hometown.

Currahee Mountain  watching the sunrise with my roomie.

An Eno with a book and my bestie

Drinking coffee at Java Station with my earbuds playing Ellie Holcomb.

"My" chair, under a blanket, my dog, and a Netflix marathon

These are highly specific places, with specific people. And it just so happens I have found myself without all of those places or people. So how am I supposed to be made well!?

"I used to think [being made well] could only happen with a bible in hand, 

wrestling over Scripture verses or on an exotic trip. 

But now I know if my eyes are open,

 I experience peace that passes understanding in a myriad of places." 

- "Made well" Pg. 93. 

Being made well can happen any time, any place.

I find myself sitting in a Starbucks in my new little home base in Michigan, with my earbuds in listening to Ellie Holcomb. Its not Java station, but I am still being made well. My chair now has a new home, placed in my boyfriends apartment, and I read part of made well there with a Greys marathon playing in the background. And while the chair doesn't belong there, I was still being made well. I got to facetime with my best friend for an hour, and while we weren't in our ENOs, I was still being made well.

What I am realizing is that I may not need those specific places I used to go to be made well. What I really need is a heart that is willing to being made well, and the places will come to me. They make look different than what I am used to, or what I really want. But the process of being made well is all the same.

"Healing doesn't always come right away, or right on time for that matter. It certainly doesn't always show up in big, flashy brushstrokes like front-row concert tickets, But sometimes it does. The important thing is to keep your eyes and heart open, knowing that healing avenues are at work all around you; they belong to you if you claim them."

- "Made well" Pg. 94.

Here's to being made well. 

My issue with "How He Loves"...

I have an issue with How He Love…….Yeah, I just said that.

I can already hear the pitchforks being sharpened by people reading this.

But, hang on till the end, it doesn’t mean exactly what you think it does.

I am sure that a lot of people know the back story of why the song was written, and if you don’t, check it out HERE. But.. here is a short excerpt from the video….

 “The love I’m singing about in that song is not a pretty, clean… its not a Hollywood, hot pink love. It’s the kind of love that’s willing to love things that are messy, and willing to love even the difficult and sort of, kind of, gross things. That’s really the kind of song I wanted to write, through a frustrating period. In my anger and resentment and my frustration that [God] could still love me through that. In this process of my buddy dying, He could love me through that. He was ok, He wasn’t offended that I was angry at Him. This song isn’t a celebration of weakness or anger, it’s the celebration of a God who would want to hang with us through those things, and be a part of our lives through those things. And despite who we are, He would want to be a part of us, and a part of our community, and a part of our family”

So... here’s the thing, If you have ever been around me when “How He Loves” is played, things get a little weird. I get a little teary (ok, sometimes a lot), I get quiet, and it’s basically just awkward all around. Mostly because no one is used to seeing me get emotional in public, that’s just not my way.

So why the issue?

Well I don’t know if you have ever experienced loss before, but if you have, this song may paralyze you in the same way. You may understand this broken, ugly, gross kind of love JMM was writing about. 

In 2014, something awful happened. I experienced loss in a way I never thought I would have to ever work through. Now, this isn’t my place or time to air that out, if you want to know what happened, feel free to ask me in person, it’s just not something I want to put on the internet. That said, it was not pretty. I remember a long drive home, after the longest day of my life, crying and wondering what exactly God had planned to make life ok again. I wasn’t sure how to worship a God that allowed such pain to overcome the people He says he loves, it just didn’t make sense. By a series of events (again, a story to ask me personally) this song came into my life during this time. But I wasn’t celebrating, I was worshiping God in the midst of complete brokenness. I was worshiping God in the midst of anger and confusion.

My problem with tragedy is this: 

I want to get over it, and I want to forget it.

That was exactly my plan, after day of crying, and a couple weeks of adjusting, I left town. I left for a 2 month mission trip where I was going to leave the past behind and focus on what God was doing in the present.

There was one problem, this song still existed.

At first, I would quickly turn it off, because the memories were just too painful, and I wanted to move on. Then, I decided, maybe this was God trying to work in me. That sneaky God.

So, I began to let it play. It played during worship, and I unabashedly cried in public and in front of my students (ew, what the heck). I realized that this song was going to be Gods way of not letting me forget. He wanted me to remember my brokenness and anger. Ok, I know that doesn’t sound right. But here’s the thing, in remembering the brokenness and anger I felt, I was reminded that I was still here, my pain didn’t take me down, I beat it. While I still bear the scars, my wounds have healed.

This song still hurts when I hear it. 

My stomach still flip flops, and my heart still drops.

 And some days, I still cry. 

But this song is my Ebenezer.

It Took 2 Years To Finish This Post...

*Not sure why I never finished this post... but now I am, 2 years later and it is still relevant. 

“I really believe there is so much more power in music than we know. Today, for instance, I am in the middle of a rather big problem and its really shaking me. And the song I can't get out of my head is "one thing remains".

Why does this even matter? Because while I'm sitting here, words ready to fly in attack, the lyrics hits me in the face... On and on and on and on it goes... And it overwhelms and satisfies my soul... And I'll never ever have to be afraid... This one thing remains... In death, in life I'm confident and covered by the power of your great love... My debt is paid there's nothing that can separate my heart from your great love... 

That's some great stuff.  It was enough to shut Kinsey up and let Jesus tell her what words she really meant to say in that moment of anger. And I think those words made the difference. They cleared up some confusion, and while the hurt is still here, and a painful discussion is still needed to fix the problem, I suddenly feel at peace. 

I don't typically focus in on the overwhelming love that is Jesus.. But in the past few weeks that word hasn't left me alone, it's been in every song that has gotten into my brain. And that's a powerful thing, because once I allow that song to get into my brain, it quickly makes it was to my heart and that's where the word "overwhelming" hit me. “

*This was where I ended my writing 2 years ago.... let me pick up here:

I'm not entirely sure what issue I was facing when I typed this 2 long years ago, but I can tell you this… My life was sort of a mess when I wrote this. I had just stopped going to college and was trying to figure out what I should do in the in-between (good news folks, the Lord provided, but alas, that's a post for another day). Funny story... my life usually feels sort of a mess. That’s where I feel I can always find myself sitting... on the fence toeing the line between "I think I've got it together" and "hold up y'all, it’s about to hit the fan". The great thing about teetering on the edge of dysfunction... I can always find rest in the simplicity and complex nature of the overwhelming love that Jesus has for me… a goofy little, 21 year old, tornado of a girl. 2 years later and I still actually remember what song I was singing after I wrote the beginning of this post. It’s called “Overwhelmed” by Ryan Post.

How can I not be moved now that I see You, Oh God?

I am overwhelmed
By everything You are
You take this broken life and shine in like the stars
So let Your waves crash down and overwhelm my soul
You satisfy my life and tell me I am Yours
I am Yours

I mean, how can those lyrics not hit you right in the feels? To know that no matter what situation I find myself in, good or bad, I can still be overwhelmed by the fact that Jesus is constantly telling the Father that I am HIS. Seriously… all the time… “She’s mine, you see that girl? She’s mine. I love her. She’s mine.” Just over and over again Jesus is saying “I got you girl, I love you”. Even in the moments I'm not entirely sure He has me, He is there “That girl, she’s mine”. I can tell you right now, there is one thing that can calm in in the worst of panic or distress, and it is those words. There is nothing more comforting to me than knowing that no matter where I am, Jesus has me.

This song has been a part of my story for quite some time, and clearly there is divine reason, to remind me to never lose the feeling of being overwhelmed in the love God shows for me every day. If you want, check it out HERE


What about you? What is something that eases your soul in a time of distress? Is there a song you listen to over and over again (like me), a piece of scripture you cling to, or something else? Share it with me : )

Hello, I'm new here.

I rarely come to this blog, but when I do, it’s because something crazy is happening to my life, and I need to let it out on paper and be known.

Since I am all about honesty on this blog.. I have to say this:

When I wrote this goodbye letter on my final night at EASM (My youth group back home) I honestly was convinced I was saying goodbye to youth group for a very long time. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE students (Yes, even the middle schoolers), and I know that God wants me to work with them forever, but being the creature of habit that I am, I was fully convinced I would never find another church or youth group that came close to EAC (my church back home). I grew up there, I accepted Christ there, and if you want to know more about them and how they impact my story, read my letter to them (Click here).

However, this post is about the present, not the past.

I have spent the past year and a half at TFC. I love it here, I love my friends, I love my roommate, I love the freedom moving away from home has given me. I have been stretched and pulled by God in so many areas, and for a girl who struggles with social anxiety in new places, I have really put myself out there. Or so I thought.

Over thanksgiving/Christmas break this year, I got to see “my” students (AKA my youth group). While I LOVED every second of it, there was a certain reality hitting me over and over again: the longer ive been gone, the more they have moved on. There are other people filling in where I used to work, the intern duties have been handed off to others, and (possibly worst of all) apparently people CAN get chickfila on Wednesday nights without me (seriously… what the heck). And while some of these truth stung my pride a little, nothing hurt more than hearing my youth pastor was leaving the church to go where God was leading him and his family. This was the final brick to the wall closing off my childhood. For some reason, I felt like it was finally time to move on from EAC. After these two trips back home, I had closure and I felt at peace with here I was heading. I returned back to campus with the full intent of (finally) embracing a new church.

To my church family back home reading this- I STILL LOVE AND MISS YOU SO MUCH. I have come to realize that it’s true, I will never find another church like EAC, or another youth group like EASM, yall goofs are one of a kind.

That being said: something big has happened in my life and I really want you to know about it…. I have become a member at new church (gasp, shock, gasp some more). And more than that… I have become a leader at a new youth group (ok… that one actually shocked me). And it turns out… I love it… mostly. It’s crazy to see where God will bring you when you finally release control. Within 2 weeks I found myself sitting in a membership class for a church I’ve been attending the past year and a half, and I found myself filling out a youth leader application. I will be honest in saying I DID NOT do this completely willingly. I dragged my heels, I told God I really didn’t want to, in fact, I was in my car about to ditch the membership class, when i heard Him telling me "I love you, girl. Now get your butt inside and stop ignoring what I am telling you to do". Thankfully, this stubborn girl listened for once and forced myself to stay. The same thing happened with joining the youth group, I almost didn’t. The walk from the sanctuary to the table where the youth pastor was sitting was THE longest walk in history. My heart was racing and I seriously almost walked right out of the door (ok, i kind of did... but then i turned back around), I HATE being the new kid I repeated to myself over and over, dragging my feet. Thankfully, again, my pride lost and I nervously talked about wanting to check out the youth group. That conversation lead me to a leader meeting that night, sitting around a table with a group of leaders I didn’t know. This was a first. I can honestly say, once again, I almost didn’t go (have I mentioned I am terrified of meeting new people?). I was very clearly the new kid on the block (90’s pun completely intended). Long story short, God once again tackled my pride and it turns out….. I really really like the leaders at my new youth group… like a lot. They are kind, welcoming, and excited about students. And to all my new friends at Foothills/Live.... You now know a little big of my embarrassing back story of how I got to you. Yes, underneath my "calm cool and collected" exterior.... Is an scared noob. :)

So I suppose this is just one long ramble about how I have been slowly over coming my fears of being new (don’t worry yall, I still make a complete awkward fool out of myself, that hasn’t changed). If you are reading this… will you pray for me? I am getting to know new leaders, new students, new parents, new everything. I had gotten so used to the routine at EASM, I know exactly when and where to be, and what needs to be done. I was a part of running the show, I had the keys, I had the plan, I was left in charge of so many things. That said, I am still trying to find my role within this new youth group, it is quite humbling to go from feeling like I knew everything, to knowing basically nothing or no one. I am (slowly…. And awkwardly) embracing this new chapter in my life.

Here’s to hopefully more life change blog posts in the near future. 

*Do you have any suggestion for my transition? Tell me, comment below! :)

True Life: I have no idea what im doing

Here i am.. back in my blogging world. Its few and far between that i actually spend quality time in the space, and i have finally figured out why.

Heres a shocking secret... ready? Ok. My name is Kinsey Anne Whittet, im almost 21 years old, nearly halfway done with college.... and i have ZERO idea what i am doing, 

Now, i dont mean this obviously in a literal sense, because i KNOW what im doing... sitting at my cleanly organized desk on a dreary friday evening, writing on my neglected blog. However, in the span of my life in general, i will own up to the fact that my most muttered phrase is "fake it till you make it" half jokingly and, well, the other half...

Recently, i was involved in a nasty car accident during my spring break vacation back home in Florida. And while, the Lord provided and all of us walked away with very minor physical injuries, the mental beating i took is still trying to recover. With every physical ache and bruise i found, i was excited, because i knew the Lord was bragging with every step i took. Im now a walking testimony to the love, protection, and favor the Lord has over all of us, because i very easily could not have walked so easily away from that wreck. However, the struggle is in the lingering aches and pains my soul feels from the weight of that night. My roommate, in only the way she can, gets to ask me the hard questions that I never want to answer. Recently, one of the questions we have been talking through in room 206 is this:

"Had we died in that accident, would we know for sure that we both would go to heaven."

 

WHEW. That's such a heavy thought. And, of course, in true Kinsey, "I always have an answer" fashion, I immediately said "Yes." and that was the end of the conversation that night.

However, the next day, I ended up confessing this: Im not completely confident in my simple pretty "Yes" answer.

Now, don't get your bibles and holy water out for me just yet, let me finish...

I know deep in my heart that Jesus Christ died for my sins, so that I, a wretched disgusting sinner, could live forever, along side God himself, in heaven. I believe that, so in my heart I KNOW that I will spend my eternity in Heaven. However, I did begin to seriously look at the fruits in my life, what Jesus will be judging me on, and I was to say the least, concerned. When was the last time I intently studied my bible? Who was holding me accountable? Where did my mind wander in its free time? I cant give you those answers, because they are a little too personal to share over the internet, but I will tell you this: I was ashamed. And while, I tend to be much harder on myself than I need to be, this just did not settle well inside my soul. I know that I have not been putting forth much effort spiritually lately, and I could use many excuses that would sound good to most of the world, but to me they are crap, so I wont even bother trying to make them work. The fact is: I got lazy. I stopped seeing the emergency of living the gospel out.

So... what did I do, or what am I doing about this? If you were to ask my friends, I have dropped off the face of campus. And they would be correct. I have been spending a lot of time in my room, reading, listening to music, just being quiet to allow God to speak. I haven't been entirely my perky self, partly due to my physical pains, but mostly due to my spiritual aches. I realized that if I am not in a good spiritual state, im a terrible friend, roommate, and student. So I took a break from some of my relational obligations at TFC. Im learning very quickly, while physical wounds heal and fade, spiritual wounds need much more care and tending to. Thankfully, I caught the flags of my spiritual needs before I reached a point of completely drained. and I feel like I have learned a lot this week about myself, and where God wants to take me. And while im scared of where im heading, im completely excited. Slowly over the next week, I will integrate back into the TFC population again, hopefully a much more energetic and excited gal.

Ive been pouring myself into music mostly this week, because if you know me, music the ultimate answer to any mood or feeling. I let God speak to me through it, I speak to God through it, and it provides words when I don't have any. One song that ive been playing all day is "if you can hear me" by Ben Rector... heres a link to it: If You Can Hear Me

Anyway... that's what Ive got for now... just a few ramblings of whats in my messy head!
Up next: starting and working through "A Call To Die: 40 days of fasting from the world and feasting on Gods word" Yep.... Should be interesting!

Until then..
xoxo,
-Kins
 

Can I Be Honest......

Its got to be a little bit of a blog-inception going on right now.. the title of my blog.. within the title of a blog.. what?! Ive been thinking about my blog lately- the lack of posting.. the lack of wanting to post.. the lack of wanting to write.. yeah, all of that. So I have been brainstorming where I should go next, because the day to day happenings aren't really blog worthy a ton of the time.. or maybe that's just the way I view it.. maybe a blog post for another day? Anyway, Sitting in my New Testament class this morning I was thinking (Yep, about my blog.. give me credit.. it was 8am.. its hard to study the depth of the sermon on the mount at 8am.. I was barely into my coffee!) So, I got to thinking, I made this blog for a reason, and even more than that, I named it for a specific reason. If you know me, you know music is my passion, its everything to me. And Kj-52 (which if you really know me, is one of the first artists I listened to in a Christian world) has provided me a song to which I live life. "Can I Be Honest" I how found verses and quotes that backs up what this songs means. Honesty is such a rarity in this world of masks.

Here we go, I want to, for the next however long it takes, go through the lyrics of this song, and just honestly let my thoughts out about them. So.. part one.. lets see where this ends up...

What if I spoke with complete honest-ness
What if told you that I've broken some promises
I dealt with pride ever since a little kid
I've comprised and I've doubted like Thomas did
I can't hide though he sees the way I live
Every single time I told every little fib

What if.. what if I, or we, were honest? What if we could just wear our hearts on our sleeves? What if I revealed to my friends and family EVERY SINGLE TIME I failed, lied, stole, judged, envied? What would happen if I told you the sins I battle day in and day out? How would you see me? Would I still be that nice little Christian girl, going to her Christian school, working towards a degree to be in a Christian work place? NO. You wouldn't, I would look a lot like the ugliest people in the world. You probably wouldn't still think of me in that light whatsoever.

But, what if.. what if you could? What if after I finished airing our my dirty laundry, you had the honesty to look back at yourself, with the same laser eyes you were pointing my way? Because, no, I cannot hide from the struggles and sins in my life.. but here's an ugly truth.. neither can you. We push, pull, dress up, and glamorize the crap in our life.  I can put make-up, jewelry, nice clothes, and heels on my body.. does that hide anything? Maybe.. but not to me. I still see it, and people around me may be fooled, but they see themselves.

I still got issues that's hard to let go
Still got some bitter situations with a few folks
Still got a temper that I work hard to control
I gotta remember your standard that's the goal

See, I know the situations I'm battling.. and many others know them, too. I have unresolved conflicts, I have a temper that often gets the best of my mind, I have people I am fleeing from at home, and I wrestle with forgiveness. I tear myself down with the rest of the world. I look in the mirror and point out every single way I fail throughout the day. And as I encounter the people and friends on campus, they do the same thing. We walk ourselves through a battlefield in our own minds. We fight alone. We fight for our lives, our souls, our faith, and our salvation. Until we remember, that fight was not meant for us to endure by ourselves.

The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.

Exodus 14:14

The reason the battle never fulfills us is because we aren't fighting it the way we were made to. We walk alone, depend on ourselves, craft our own weapons and shields. What if... what if, just for a second, we took a moment to be still and shut up those voices in our minds? What if we took the time to realize that we have others fighting with us and for us? What if we could just stop running long enough to look back and see the marathon of support alongside us? What if, just for one day, we put down our shields and weapons, and trusted that we would, in fact, still be okay? What if we could once again trust our brothers, sisters, and GOD to protect us like they were made to? What would happen? What would become of a girl who gave into rest, rather than running herself ragged... If she could just stop to breathe and allow, for just a moment, the battle to continue on without her?

What would become of us as brothers and sisters in Christ if we finally gave into our own battles and stepped down from the fight, allowing God to take the lead warrior position? What if...



The Most Important Meal of the Day.

*Yes, This took me a week to write and post.. life of a college student. I didn't even proof read, or check for typos. This post was written sparatically, over a series of days, where I somehow managed to find time between classes, mandatory "events", mass amounts of homework and reading, and trying to find my footing here at TFC... so im sorry ahead of time :)


Where I'm from, in my group of friends, we all have a general consensus.. there is one meal the trumps all other meals. And no, it is not breakfast.

 

"Wanna grab a coffee?"

 

Yep, there it is. The one question I grew, not only to anticipate being asked, but I whole-heartedly expected it.  Its such a short sentence. In fact, its not even a great sentence.. just a little, below average, sentence that most people wouldn't think much of. But to myself, and to my precious group of friends, we know its importance. We know that sentence has a sacred, valuable, and cherished meaning behind it. It goes much deeper than getting a caffeine fix.

 

 

I couldn't even begin to list the life changing, heart altering, and spiritually challenging conversations that have sparked from that sentence. I can recall so many moments, through my many years at home, that I have gotten to indulge in so many types of coffee with so many types of people. Some, I knew very well, and for some, coffee was the ice breaker that sparked friendship. My coffee date people know what I'm talking about. This is a time to sit in little coffee shops, Starbucks, or my personal favorite, in the comfort of a home. Life was shared, babies were watched (or sometimes ignored.. hehe), crafts were made, challenges were thrown down, bible verses were recited.. the best description I have ever heard of it came from a great friend, who 99.9% of the time is wiser and more godlike than most in my world, she puts it this way:

 

"We are living life together. At the end of the day, if you leave and my house is still a mess, and craft supplies are thrown everywhere, and my dishes and laundry aren't done, I will learn to be okay with that, because I know relationships happened, and those are more important than my housework."

I hope I did that justice, friend. Its a paraphrase, but the heart of your message is there there!!

 

Anyway, So what im saying it, from those many coffee dates i have learned so much about life, God, and who i am. So, where is this going.. Here we go!

 

A little known fact (lol) about me: I recently just left my home of 20 years (wow, im 20.. im old.) for college. I have been here a week and a half. I have made my dorm into my home, i have met my Profs., i have sat in chapel, and i have done the corny "Back To School" events. With that said, i will say, I absolutely adore my college life already. If you know me personally, you know that I am not a creature of change. I love the order that was my life back home. My people, my church, familiar roads and landmarks. I love it. Rather, I loved it. I have a new love now, and it is Tocca Falls College, and all that it entails.  

 

Yes, I know, im just shy of two weeks, what do I even know? I know this, for a girl (can i call myself girl? Im not a woman, this i know..) who hates change, I was ready to cry myself to sleep every night from homesickness, I was ready for the stomach knots of meeting new people and missing my old people, I was ready for awkward friendships for the next year, as I slowly caught my footing on these hilly lands. Let me tell you.. this has NOT been that case. How do I know Tocca Falls College is my new love? Because the second I stepped foot onto campus I experienced an overwhelming sense of home. Not to say I don't miss my other home, mostly my people, i dont enjoy knowing life actually DOES go on without Kinsey, but im growing to accept that, and embrace my new roles of life.

 

Anyway... Where does coffee even fit in with this?? Here we go.. Take two!

I have a friend here, and to say she's a Godsend would be an understatement. Shes an honorary soul sister. She has been a crutch to lean on in times where i feel uncertain. And yes, were known each other for 2 weeks, which is how I know God is ALL over it. If were not together, you can find us texting, plotting our next meeting, however truth be told, shes on my hall, directly diagonal from my room, so we are OFTEN together. I have loved stretching my relationship skills, because for a shy girl with 20 years of other invested friendships, i was not prepared to make friends, especially close friends, quickly.  However, I knew when her awesome self popped into my room and asked "Wanna grab coffee" this friendship was about to get real. Poor girl, she had no idea my emotional ties to coffee dates.

Long post short: This coffee date was incredible. Filled with laughter, tears, stories, and God. It kick started a friendship. It took us from shallow, day-to-day ramblings, to being able to ask the deep, hard, and uncomfortable questions. All of that from one sentence. Maybe I put too much emphasis on it, maybe it just happened. Maybe that's what you think. But I know different, I know the impact that can come from coffee drinking with people.

So where does this post go next.. i have no idea! Im still trying to finish mass amounts of homework!

Maybe you take this and make it into a challenge.. yeah! There it is!
I, Kinsey, challenge you, reader, to ask someone to coffee! Be it someone you know and love, or a stranger you wish to connect with, im telling you, nothing opens people up like a delish cup of coffee!!


Staycations are the bomb.

In preparation for 2 weeks of full time mission work, my friends left for a 10 day vacation with their two kids.. leaving behind their doggie. Thankfully, they asked me to house sit.. thus beginning my 10 day vacation as well!

Unfortunately, as an intern, with her boss and another crucial member of our team gone, I still had lots and lots of work to do this week.. but thankfully, it was fun work.. putting the final touches on our mission trip to Detroit (yippee!) and one high school event. I am still making the most of my staycation!

A staycation for me may raise some questions for my friends at home, allow me to shed some light:

1.) Kins.. you live alone, how much more of a staycation do you need?
Answer: Yes, I live alone. However, the time I spend there is minimal, because I am so busy, and like to have friends around me. You can usually find me crashing at my second home with friends. there are many fun pluses to staycations at someone elses house! I have wifi, which is not something I am privileged with at my home. Which means one major thing.. NETFLIX. Yep, that's right.. I spent an ENTIRE day watching Greys Anatomy in my pjs. Another plus.. my friends have every movie known to man.. seriously.. so many movies, who need redbox? One more perk.. I didn't make it a super known fact that I was having a staycation.. so I have gotten some great alone chill time, which is super awesome, considering I will be on the mission field for the next two weeks.. not only that, but when I come home, I will be in a frenzy trying to pack and organize 20 years of my life... Because school starts 3 short weeks after I come home!!

2.) What does one do on a staycation?
Answer: I hit on this already.. I have gotten some seriously ridiculous amount of Netflix watching done! Im actually impressed. Ive gotten to read a bit. I have had a few people over for a movie night. Ive actually made myself dinner every night, and if you know me, that's huge, I never, ever, ever cook for just myself. I caught up on laundry, which again.. thankful!!! Most importantly ive had quality "me" time.. which I really stink at doing for someone who technically lives alone.


Im feeling super refreshed and grateful that I got to have myself a little staycation!
Its exactly what I needed after this busy interning summer. Now.. im off to fold laundry and maybe watch some star wars and cry over the fact that sweet little Annie turns in to Darth Vader. Which, my friends, is another blog for another day.

The Big 2-0..

I'll have more to post on this.. but for now.. enjoy this video my besties made for me.. and make sure you watch it.. because.. THEY MADE ME A THEME SONG. Yikes.

Check out the video.. here!!

to my past and present EASM family..

Hey y'all!

If youre reading this, that means you are either a blogging friend, or you have personally walked with me through my journey in Edgewater Alliance Student Ministries, either way, know that I am thankful to have you visit my site and read my thoughts :)

Well.. its 11:30 on my final Wednesday night at youth group with EASM, other then when I come home to visit, which know, I WILL be coming to visit! I cannot express what the past 9 years have meant to me. I have grown up with you guys. You have not only been true friends, but a loyal family as well. And I truly (yes, even you who I often pick on) love you all. I know I will not even come close to thanking all of you by simply writing this, but I sure am going to try my hardest.

This goes out to my past and present lifeguards and staff..
Wow, 9 years.. I know some of you can still imagine what I was like in 6th grade.. and can I just say, thank you for not killing me!

When I think about my middle school years, I think about the family who took me in every Wednesday afternoon, fed me dinner, and loved me as if I was one of their own. They took me on family vacations, and allowed me to spend (probably way too many) nights keeping their daughter up late! You were the ones who first showed me TobyMac, and RelientK.. still two of my favorites. I look back and laugh (almost to tears) at the car rids to Orlando where a certain friend told us about an interesting punishment his parents enforced. You were the very beginning of my EAC family, and you taught me how to love like Jesus, even when the person you are loving is a crazy middle school girl.

To my middle school leaders.. again.. thanks for not killing me!!
seriously, I was obnoxious! But hey.. I LOVE Jesus and I learned that from you guys! Thank you for the many sleepless nights you spent on the floor of a church during conference weekends.. and not taking pictures of all of us trying to fit on the kid size seesaw :) Seriously though, I can look at middle school, and remember one of you praying with me at Planet Wisdom after I decided to give my life to Christ. I had NO idea what that meant, but you prayed with me, and that will be a memory for the rest of my life. I had no idea how hard it was to love middle schoolers until I was the one having to do it!! And let me say, as much as you may have questioned yourselves, you loved me so well, and I love all of you!

High school leaders..
wow, I think I was even more of a mess in high school then I was in middle school!! So thanks to you guys, too, for not killing me.. though I did hear about you wanting to quite a few times.
I may have accepted Christ in middle school, but its because you guys that I grew to be more than that. Thank you for enduring late night phone calls and texts when I thought my life was falling apart, and thanks for telling me it was going to be okay, I can specifically remember that. Thank you for the sleepovers watching scary movies (that kept a friend and I up TERRIFIED). Thank you for not laughing, too hard anyway, when we asked for a night light. Thank you for the late nights spent at Dennys, even though I always felt ill after, it was worth it. Thanks for letting a crazy teenage girl hang with your kids and family. Thank you for the dinners, and every other meal, you invited me to. One big thank you for not letting me off easy, yep I said it.. thank you for calling me out on my crap, even when I hated you for it. Thanks for the 13 hour road trip you endured with 4 teenage girls and a pregnant wife (you are brave!) Thanks for not rolling your eyes too hard when I gushed over my latest crush, or cried over a fight with a friend. Thank you for verbally slapping me about my grades. Thank you for cheering me on, as I cheered (Cheer-ception?) on the football team. Thank you for making me go to Detroit, and showing me how to love deeply. That barely touches on everything you did for me. I love you all very much!!

To my friends and students (present and past)
Golly, some of us have spent 9 years together!! I owe you guys a ton. Thank you for late night conversations, and for also telling me life was going to be okay. Thank you for enduring black Friday in Orlando with me! Thanks for the shopping trips, bible studies, and movie marathons I made you do! Thank you for showing me grace and love when I screwed up (which was and IS a lot of the time) Thanks for the nights we stayed away in the dark talking for hours. The leaders taught me, but you held me accountable. Even if we lost touch since our days in the easm gang, know that I love you, and you will always have a special place in my heart, and if you ever need me one more time for a 3am phone call, im in:) If you have been one of my students the past few years, thanks for dealing with me! I know I wasn't prepared for group as well as I could have been most days.. but I did love you guys! Thanks for acting just like I did, giving me a taste of what it was like for my leaders to love me with grace and mercy. Thanks for teaching me to forgive like Jesus. Thank you for not rolling your eyes (to my face anyway) when I made you listen to another song, because it was perfect for the lesson. Thank you for accepting me as a leader and always (usually) showing me respect. You crazy students have taught me SO much, do I even need to leave for school?? Thanks for the crazy car rides, and for always leaving me a visual trail of where in my car you were :)



I know its not much, but guys, there's just no way I could thank all of you for everything you have done for me. I will always consider you guys my friends and family, as long as its okay with you ;)

okay.. enough of this mushy sappy stuff. You know its not my thing.

I have 3 months of summer left with you crazy people!!! :)

Im going to bold it because its important..
please comment, or let me know you read this, I would love to hear some of the memories you have with me! Even if they are embarrassing! Bring it on!

The big 95

My dear blog readers..

Please overlook any misspellings in this post.. I'm writing it on my baby (iphone) and Lord knows autocorrect is everyone's enemy. 

So.. As I'm currently lying on my floor (no joke!) I just stumbled upon a little thought. 

*95 days until my great adventure begins!  Y'all.. We are out of triple digits. If you could only see the look of horror and excitement (is it possible to have both at once?? --well, I do. ) 

*95 days left hanging at my one of my favorite  places, drinking coffee, making crafts, loving babies, and as she puts it "just living life together"

*95 more days living alone, coming home to quiet. Or I suppose, as it is now, the sound of tv, which fills the creepy silence of my 4/3 house that I share with NO ONE. I am blessed, but the quiet is weird. 

*95 more days to love on the church I have been apart of for half my life (almost!) and to love on my coworkers there, and our students who have a very special place in my heart. 

*95 more days to soak in the beauty of my beach town. Yes, we all go through the " I hate nsb, get me out!" Stage... But moving somewhere that has no beach.. I will miss it something fierce! The little coffee shop that I don't visit nearly enough.. All the changed that are happening to the main road.. And mostly.. Bagel world and mi Mexico! You can replicate those places!!!

*95 more days until I will officially no longer be able to spend an entire day sleeping on the beach. 

*95 more days until I will be forced out of my all to comfortable bubble of family and love I have lived in for many years. 

These are just a few of the MANY things I know are changing...

So I guess it's okay to allow myself to lay on the floor and let myself watch "just one more" episode of criminal minds while I munch on hummus and chips.. Texting my pals, because in 95 short days... It all changes. 

When Sparrows Fall..

This:
http://vimeo.com/58318290

This is a story about a little girl. A little girl who I have never met, but I feel as though I completely know. Her name is Daisy Love. I have been following her story and her battle with cancer, praying along side her family, for over 3 years. And yesterday (Too long after the event happened) I found out she went to be with Jesus. I got lazy, and stopped checking into Prayfordaisy.com and missed it. Im angry with myself for missing it. I felt like a failure. But, I cant change it now. All I can do now if look back. I look back and read the final few posts on the last few weeks of her life. I look back and  watch her father preach at his church for the first time in a long, long time. And soon, though I don't think I can yet, I will watch her memorial service. But right now, today, I am just going to be sad, and a little angry at myself.

"Not one sparrow will fall to the ground apart your Father" Matt. 10:29

 

A manuscript unfinished.

Today I am writing.

Today wasn't exactly great.

 Today I saw something I shouldn't have.

.........

Today I read words that were not meant for me to see. Words that, because I was never meant to see them, crush my heart. Today I realized the people I thought loved me, didn't, or at least in that moment, forgot what loving me looked like. The hearts behind the words I saw were motivated by hate, revenge, and with the intention to cause dysfunction in my small, seemingly happy, world. You see, these words are from old wounds, an old story that I thought had written its last chapter. They were supposed to be lost in translation, a manuscript that went unfinished. It didn't go unfinished though...because an unwanted editor found them. I knew I had stumbled onto a chapter I wasn't supposed to read, I knew they existed, but I didn't know who wrote them, or where they were located. I didn't go searching for this unfinished manuscript, or maybe I did, it doesn't matter now, I cant unread it. "I'll let it go" I told myself. "They from an old story, and old book with dust on it, and it doesn't matter to your new story your writing" I tried, I really did, to convince myself to let it go. I couldn't though, you see, its like I had stumbled onto undiscovered pages written about a character I loved. It was like a novel written to show me the behind-the-scenes actions, that for months, I longed to know. However, like any novel from the past, once the story was finished and shelved, I gave up on learning the intricate details that made the plot work. But now.. I saw the words, I held the answers to my once burning questions right in my fingertips, how could I not finish the story?

...........

 

So there I sat.. reading, crying a little, wishing I hadn't done it. I should have just left that manuscript shelved. The days that have followed finding those writings haven't been fun either. I have questioned so much. I have been looking back at relationships wondering what I did that would make a friend turn their back on me and be a part of such a nasty chapter in my life. I sat and sulked about the authors behind those pages for the past few days, and you know where that got me? Nowhere. It made me bitter, and angry. I realized, I was starting to become those people, those nasty people who wrote and said such awful things against me. So this is it.. After this post, I'm done. I will never go back to that old book, with those hateful pages. To the authors that will remain unaware that I am not in the know of what has been said.. I forgive you. And I really mean it. I forgive you out of a selfish reason though, because I want to be done with this old book and I want to move past all of this dark, heavy junk.

...........

Here is one praise in the middle of this rough patch though:

I sat in a room, sulking, whining, and complaining about how upset I was.. with two other friends (who I dearly love and appreciate) thankfully had the guts to call me out on being a baby and quickly reminded me to focus on who my enemy was. In my story, my enemy is not one who is visible. He prowls around me, like a lion, unseen. Then, smack in the middle of my little, sad face, it hit me..

..........

It's as though our sneaky little God knew that on a quiet Thursday morning (roughly 6:30 am) I would sit myself down for a bible study before a busy day, and highlight words that would circle around to this specific chapter of my perfectly orchestrated story.. highlighted with little, school-girl  hearts around it, sat a verse, the perfect verse straight from Him:

 

^"28 Do not be afraid of those who kill the

body but cannot kill the soul.

 Rather, be afraid of the One who

can destroy both soul and body in hell."

 

and I remember the words I would write next to it, partially from Francis Chan's idea.., "its true, the things people do to us will not crush our souls. it will bruise it, and it can hurt it, but they can never crush it." Though words do hurt me down to the core, they can never crush my soul. I shouldn't be afraid of what they have to say, and I shouldn't put so much focus on it. At the end of the day I realize the things said and written to hurt me came from hurt people. They were burned, scarred, and angry with life.. and they took it out on me. Why am I surprised that such things would be said? Maybe because I though I was entitled to something better from certain people. I'm not entitled to anything from this world. What a crazy concept.

..........

I love Francesca Battistelli's new song "Strangely Dim". Music is so much of my life (duh, my blog centers around a song), it can hit me in places human words cant. I've been listening to this song on repeat for almost 30 minutes now..

 

But when I fix my eyes on all that You are,

 then every doubt I feel deep in my heart,

grows strangely dim. All my worries fade and fall to the ground.

Cause when I seek Your face, and don't look around,

any place I'm in grows strangely dim.

 

I mean.. WOW. If that doesn't just hit you, you might not be alive. Its so true and relevant to my life right now. In this chapter of my story, the second I stopped looking at who hurt me and how sad I was, I looked to God, all my problems became strangely dim, they just didn't matter anymore. I'm sitting here wondering where I go next with this problem. I want the throw this unfinished manuscript back into a dusty shelf in my mind and forget about it. And maybe for a while I will, but some how I know my enemy will lurk around and find it again. Maybe next time I will remember this moment and realize that I fix my eyes my problems become strangely dim, im still working on that part.

 

to be continued....

Kins

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Funny..or maybe not.

Isnt it strange when you wake up, and life suddenly isnt what it used to be? Did we really stop being friends? Did i really graduate from high school? Surely im not a college student..

Yeah, actually, all of that is true, it all happened. It really is funny how life works out.. the people you call "best friends" turn out to not be as great as you thought, or the one you counted on for years suddenly is too good for you.. God has placed me at the school i swore my entire high school career i wouldnt go to. And, now, i sit back and look at what has shaken down the past few years -and it is NOT what i expected at all..

That said, im pretty sure i love my life. Do i want to be in this town, at this school? NO. But i get to spend time with precious people i love.. i get to watch babies and teenagers that i love grow up for at least another year.. and that in itself is amazing. However, i do miss friendships. I miss having girl nights. I miss week long sleepovers during summer. I miss having someone to share my stupid life stories with. And the unfortunate realization about spring break has hit me.. i have no one to spend it with. My closest friends, still being in high school, do not have the same break as i do. so while all of my "cool" college friends are living it up, i will do what i do best.. hang with myself and God, and hopefully get very very tan. I do envy the friends of mine who had the means to leave for school, and i hope they count their blessings.

Meanwhile, im here, in New Smyrna, doing the same old thing..

thats my boring life..

-kins

ps.. A job opportunity recently opened up for me. And incredible summer job, where i would be paid to do something i love.. so when you read this (whoever you are) send up a prayer to my main man Jesus, and ask him to do a great work for me.

The Coolest English Assignment EVER

Going with the following paragraph,
does anyone even use the baseball diamond
approach as a writer, i think not.

We have recently finished chapter 2 in my English book. Chapter 2 has been all about writing processes and figuring out what your personal writing style is. We have now, as a class, been challenged to put what we have learned into practice by writing a piece evaluating ourselves as writers. Being the creative soul that I am, when I heard we may make this project into hypertext form (and for those like me, who do not know what that is, basically, a blog), I jumped at it. Plus, I figured that my poor, neglected blog needed some kind of love and attention. When I look at myself as a writer I first look at what influences me. What causes me to want to write anything in the first place? Who is it that I think of when I am writing? What inspires me? These are the questions that launched me into discovering who exactly I am as a writer, and the following is just a brief report on my findings.

I believe the techniques you use as a writer will define your work. From the start i have been pushed to always plan my writing ahead. What I have learned from my time spent blogging and journaling is that sometimes you don’t need to plan ahead; it is possible that the streaming thoughts in your head are enough planning to work with. What really needs to happen to start a good piece of writing is a draft. Like we read in the Shitty First Drafts article, your first drafts are usually horrid. However, from that, you have created a brilliant starting point. This is how, as a writer, I use pre planning. I have never been a planner, so using that method of writing never worked for me. I have found once I get all of my ideas out of my head and on paper that is where the real writing starts. I don’t need a “web” or a “baseball diamond” to plan out what I am going to say,because most of the time knowing what to say isn’t my initial problem. (by the way, REALLY? Does anyone really use the baseball diamond past age 7? NO.) I have never been a person of few words, in fact, quite the opposite, I often find myself editing sentences OUT of my paragraphs. Learning about heuristic rules has also really helped my scattered planning process. Trying to figure out what does and doesn’t fit into my papers often become stressful. Heuristic rules (introduced  by Mike Rose) have shown me that not everything needs a set rule on how to write. If one thing doesn’t fit, try another sentence, and if that doesn’t fit, try something else. There can be flexibility in the rules of writing. I learned that the "rules and plans" instructed to use for effective writing do not need to be set in stone, you can make changes in the process that help fit to your style of writing. The fact that I don’t plan the way I have been drilled to while in school is okay, because it works for me, and I still can write effective pieces despite not following the typical writing path step by step.

One writer I pull a lot of my idea and styles from is J.K Rowling. Please, hold off on the eye rolling until I get my valid (and well thought out) explanation across. It would be easy for me to pin my love of writing and reading completely on her. I fell in love with her stories and characters, and the imagination she had to make them. However, that said, even if I had zero interest in Harry Potter (which would be totally weird and life changing for me! i mean, HELLO, i was Harry Potter for Halloween, it doesn't get more obsessed than that..), I would still think J.K. was a genius. Her writing is completely unique, and she has never worried about the rules and regulations that seem to be put on writing. I used to think that I was breaking so many rules and writing completely incorrectly when I was younger because I would never write my introduction first. I used to (and still do to this day) write the “main body” of my essay first, and then, using everything I have in my paper, I finish with writing the introduction. It wasn’t until a few years ago I found out that J.K. had completed the ending to the entire Harry Potter series before she was even into the 4^th book.(A list of things she also has to teach found here) She knew where her book series was going, and she wrote around it. That helped me see that it is okay to write different from the rest of the world. Reassuring my unconventional writing style once more was the article in chapter 2 by Stephen King. He let me see that you can place one object in front of many people, and each person will take something different away from that one object. You can give me and a group of my friends the same topic, and each one of us will come up with our own concepts and feelings on how to write a piece on it. Writing this paper (trying to be unique with my blog form of it) I came across this link, a collision of the 2 people who helped me accept my writing. An article by Stephen about the Harry Potter series. This could possibly win over some "anti-Potter" critics.

Another article that helped me discover what kind of writer I am, and maybe even my inner personality as well, was the article by Allegra Goodman. I have never been a person to go easy on myself, whether it was a mistake i made, correcting behavior, or even editing an essay. Revision has always been hard for me. I am a person who doesn't even like to see videos of myself, because I am usually acting like a fool and I can’t stand my own voice. I'm also the girl who has the video of her speaking at her high school baccalaureate with a speech she spent weeks on. The video has been sitting on my computer for months, and I cannot even force myself to watch it, the fear of finding out I looked and sounded awful is too much for me to face! So, in complete honesty, seeing an article I had to read about “calming my inner critic” made me a little more than nervous. The first paragraph alone was enough of a slap to the face to point out that I am not the only person in the world who feels like this. The first point she made was forgetting that past. Let go of what you have already done, whether right or wrong, because you are doing something completely new, and looking back on your past failures will only hinder the great work you could be doing! “Live in possibility” she says. “Your master piece could be just around the corner. Genius could befall you at any moment." I love that. The next “crazy” concept she drilled into me was “love your material." She said that nothing scared your inner critic more than loving your work. Don’t second guess, or wonder if what you are writing is stellar, just write it, and love it. She goes on to say if you want to write something, anything, you are going to risk falling on your face. But I think the difference between writers (like Rowling and King) and I is that those writers are okay with that risk, and will accept failure sometimes, I, however, do not like the feeling of not doing well. (More funny "Inner Critic" photos HERE).

I often can fit a moment or feeling in my life into a song, for this paragraph this is the song to sum it up in a pretty 2 minutes.

Could you imagine chiseling all day just
to end up with nothing?! frustration.
Sometimes that is how i feel about revision.

Writing that last paragraph (or maybe novel, because it was pretty long..) almost made this following paragraph impossible to write. I was going to go into my revision process (or lack ofone). I think possibly my inner critic was going to get slightly feisty with myself and point out how many flaws I have in this area of writing. I was going to use the article about revision by Perl and go into the parts that I desperately need to work on. However, I will not be doing that now. I decided to revisit the articles about revision in chapter 2 and stumbled across one by Barbara Tomlinson. In the beginning of the article she asks a question. “Is rewriting a‘slow grinding business’? [or] is it a matter of chiseling away at rock-hard text? Or pushing and pulling a text of malleable clay?” And to be honest, I'm not even sure I caught the entire meaning of the article, because I got stuck on that question, and the rest of the article was just kind of a mush of words that I really wasn’t focused on. (plus, i couldn't get this intense skit, by my most favorite, people out of my head) This question helped me realized that, like the writing process, as a writer I have a style of the revision process and it is unique to me. However, I have come to realize because revision does not come easily to me, unlike my relaxed planning and writing process, the “tools” I use while revising need to be the sharpest ones I have and I need to spend a lot more time in this step of writing. Revision has always felt like an unnecessary chore to me. However after reading the first 2 chapters of this book I now know that it is very important. And before I can sign my name at the bottom of this art piece, I need to follow through with every step. I am slowing learning that the writer part of me needs to embrace every part of the writing process, even the parts I do not exceed in. I will never be great in revision, but slowly I have been gaining new insights and techniques that make it doable. I have begun to look at revision less as a chore and more as putting the “final coat” onto my painting. Allowing others to read and correct my papers is not easy for me(probably because of that inner critic I'm still working on controlling). However,I have done it, and I see how helpful it is, and why it is important.

Going into this assignment, I simply thought that it was going to be talking about myself,and it was going to be a breeze and an easy “A." However, this assignment really did what it was supposed to do. I have really examined and defined myself as a writer. I have realized what personality traits I have and how they can help or hurt me as a writer. I have had to look at the places I fail when writing, and have figured out a plan of action to correct how I think about my failures and to prevent them from hindering my writing further. From this assignment I have learned that writing isn’t a separate part of me, however it is a part of who I am. The ways I go through the different parts of the writing process reflect how I handle things in my everyday life. And though I am still continuing to learn how to incorporate my personality into my writing, I feel like this project has given me a much better look into how my character traits fit into the writing process, making it my own.

xoxo
-Kins
(ps.. hopefully i wont be another 100 years, or another English project that brings me back to my blogging days) :)